Gn 4:1And Adam knew his wife, which is kind of obvious. I mean, of course he knew her – she was made out of one of his ribs, for god’s sake. And he had cleaved unto her, and they had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing and Nudity together, and they had matching mink coats, and… oh… wait, I see what you mean. You mean his penis knew her vagina! Right. So, Adam knew his wife, in the biblical sense, and Eve became pregnant, and had a son, and said “Behold! I have gotten a man from the lord. Hopefully he’s a hottie, for it will make incest with his sisters much easier.”
Gn 4:2And Adam knew his wife again, in the biblical sense, and she had another son, Abel. And the time came for Cain and Abel to choose their careers, so they went to their careers adviser, Derek, who is one of the lesser known Biblical characters, and will probably be cut from the final editionNote 1. And Derek said unto Cain, “Lo, what sort of jobs do you like?” And Cain said, “Behold! I like the outdoors.” And Derek said, “Lo, can you be more specific? All the jobs are outdoors.” And Cain said, “Behold! I like hard, physical work that benefits my community and fulfills the instructions that god gave my parents when he kicked them out of Eden.” And Derek said, “Lo, you should be a tiller of the earth.” And so Cain went off and began tilling the earth in the name of god, and he was so happy he wrote a song about it, called “Tilling In The Name Of (God)”, which contains the now famous refrain “Bless you I will do what you tell me”. And then came Abel’s turn, and Derek said unto Abel, “Lo, what sort of jobs do you like?” And Abel said, “Behold! I am lazy, and wish to stand around all day working on my tan.” And Derek said, “Lo, you should be a shepherd.” And it was so.
Gn 4:3And it came to pass that Cain grew some fruit. And he said unto himself, “Hang on… rather than use this fruit to provide nutrition for our fledgling species, I should give it to an omnipotent being who doesn’t eat and already has a shitload of fruit in his own garden.” And it was so.
Gn 4:4And Abel saw what Cain had done, and realised that the one thing that god didn’t have was lamb burgers, so he went out and killed one of his lambs, and marinated it overnight in rosemary and garlic, and then pan fried it and served it with a glass of red wine, for he was a red wine Jew. And god tasted the lamb burger, and said “Holy shitballs, Abel… that’s lambtastic.”
Gn 4:5But then god saw Cain’s fruit, and although it complied with his instructions when he kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden and took years of back-breaking labour to produce, and even though Abel didn’t really do anything except let his sheep have sex, god realised that he had plenty of fruit already, and Cain had put little stickers on the fruit, which he found really annoying to peel off. So he gave Cain a dirty look, which made Cain sooky. Quite understandably, in my opinion. But lo, I am not here to judge.
Gn 4:6-7And the lord said unto Cain, “Why so sooky? If you do well, won’t I accept you? And if you don’t do well, sin lies at your door. And sin will desire you, and you will rule over him.” And Cain said “Wait, what? Are you drunk? What does that mean? And why did you not accept me, even though I did do well?”
Gn 4:8But god seems to have not answered, for the next thing we know, Cain and Abel are out in the fields together, and Cain felt aggrieved enough to rise up and murder his brother. And, when you think about it, that means he murdered a quarter of the world’s population at the time (not including Derek, of course). So basically Cain’s offence was the modern equivalent of killing just under 2 billion people, all because someone put fingerprints on his iPad.
Gn 4:9And I guess Cain went off and buried Abel somewhere, for god walked up and said, “Cain, where is Abel thy brother?” And Cain replied, “Don’t you know?” And god said, “Of course I don’t know. I am god, and I don’t need to have sex like you guys.” And Cain said, “No, I meant, don’t you know, in the non-biblical sense.” And god said, “Oh, yes, of course I know in the non-biblical sense. I always ask questions I know the answer to in the non-biblical sense. It adds to the drama. Please play along.” And Cain said, “Well in that case I don’t know where Abel is in the non-biblical sense. Am I his keeper?”
Gn 4:10And god said, “What have you done? Yes, yes I know the answer, Cain. Please be quiet. Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. NO CAIN, NOT LITERALLY! Gn 4:11You are now cursed from the earth, Gn 4:12and you won’t be… er… Abel to grow your fruit any more, which is a good thing, because no one likes it anyway. A vagabond shalt thou be!”
Gn 4:13And Cain said “WAAAAAAAAAAAH! Gn 4:14I’m a vagabond, and everyone who sees me will kill me.” And he sent god a text with a frowny face, like this
Gn 4:15And god said, “I don’t mean to be picky, but that’s not technically possible, for you can only be killed once. And you’re exaggerating a little, because the only other people alive are your parents. But I take your point, so how about this. Anyone who kills you will have vengeance taken on them… wait for it… sevenfold!” And Cain said, “But how would that work? You just said people can only be killed once.” And god said, “I am god, I can kill people as many times as I like.” And so god gave Cain a t-shirt that said “If you see this man, please don’t kill him even though he is a vagabond who murdered a quarter of the world’s population because I didn’t like his crappy fruit. Lots of love, god.” And on the back of the shirt god wrote “Need male friends. You’ll like me once you get to know me.”, without specifying whether he meant the non-biblical sense, and lo, god found his ambiguity hilarious.
Gn 4:16And for some reason Cain then went to sleep for a whileNote 2.
Gn 4:17And Cain managed to find a wife from somewhere. Probably at his parents’ house, living with the rest of his sisters. And Cain knew his
sister wife, in the biblical sense, and she gave birth to their nephew son. And, lo, they called his name Enoch, and I’m pretty sure they called their actual son Enoch as well, because it’s confusing to give different names to your son and your son’s name. And then the next thing you know Cain built a whole frikken city, which is pretty impressive, but tax revenue was low on account of the very high vacancy rate for inner-city rentals. And he called the name of the city Enoch, but it’s unclear if the city itself was called Enoch, or if the city’s name was named after Enoch or Enoch’s name, which was also called Enoch.
Gn 4:18-21And then Enoch begat a whole bunch of sons, one of which was Lamech, and Lamech took two wives, which seems a bit greedy if you ask me, but I’m not here to judge. And one of his wives had a son, Jabal, and he was the father of all who pick their nose left-handed. And Jabal’s brother’s name was Jubal, and he was the father of all who ride skateboards.
Gn 4:22And their cousin Tubalcain was a fitness instructor.
Gn 4:23-24And now we’re back to Lamech again, who seems to have killed an unspecified random, probably because he wanted more wives.
Gn 4:25And Adam knew his wife again, in the biblical sense, and they had a son, and they called their son and their son’s name Seth, which is Hebrew for “A son that god has given you to replace a son murdered by your other son”, and is a common enough occurrence to have its very own word.
Gn 4:26And Seth also had a son, and by that I mean Seth himself, not Seth’s name. And Seth called his son’s name Enos, and I don’t really need to make that joke again, so I won’t.
- It is unclear who advised Derek to be a careers adviser – hence the expression, “Which came first, Derek or the careers adviser?” (back)
- The Land of Nod, apparently. (back)
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