The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

There has been a lot of talk about referendums¹ lately. There is, of course, the local government referendum that has been the talk of dinner parties from Waitara to Wahroonga and everywhere in between. But all talk of that tremendously important and widely-publicised issue ceased when independent MP Tony Windsor called for a referendum on marriage equality. Christian and Muslim groups soon followed suit. Selfish bastards. I wanted to talk about local government.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

Here are all the things I know about local government in general, and the related referendum in particular:

1. I have a local government.
2. They make me put my bins out on Wednesday night. In my undies, too, because I never seem to remember until after I’m in bed.
3. There may or may not be a referendum on local government on September 14.

Aaaaand I’m out. I don’t sound very qualified to vote in a referendum on local government, do I? Perhaps I should:

1. Shelve my hatred of local government (a fairly big ask, given that they force me to drag bins around in my undies);
2. Go and find out what the actual question is, and what the consequences of a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ vote might be;
3. Reach a decision based on facts, reason, and the best interests of the people who will be directly affected.

Sounds like a plan.

Actually, now that I think about it, there are a few people who probably aren’t qualified to vote in that other referendum, either. People like Fred Nile, for example. The only thing is he probably doesn’t realise it. So, Fred, if you’re listening, I’ve prepared this helpful guide to help you decide if you should bother voting should the referendum go ahead.

See you on September 14, Fred. Or not.

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Footnotes

1. Or referenda. Whatever.

So, Tony Abbott recently said that, in his opinion,  “the orthodox definition of marriage as between a man and… ah… a woman should continue…”.The punctuation in that previous sentence might look a little rocky, but it is very difficult to transliterate tortuous ‘aaaahhhhh’s and the weird, inappropriate pauses when he puts his “The Effort of Speaking is Causing Me to Have a Stroke” face on.

Anyway, this led me to wonder which “orthodox” definition he was referring to? Surely the OED is one of the most orthodox definitions for English speakers who are not American?

Oxford English Dictionary

If you’re a woman in one of the red boxes, you can marry a man in one of the blue boxes (if joined by a line). But something’s not quite right.

I know, I know. It seems odd that a Croc-wearing Neo-Nazi can marry a convicted paedophile, right?

I must admit, I nearly choked on my Weet Bix when I first heard this argument. Which was actually quite dangerous, because it was at that stage when the milk hadn’t soaked all the way through, so the Weet Bix were still pretty crunchy, and represented a genuine choking hazard. Much like the argument itself.

How’s that for a segue.

The argument in a nutshell
Firstly, no, it’s not a joke. There are quite a lot of people out there who think this is a sensible argument against marriage equality. Because, you see, same-sex people already have equality. A gay man can marry a woman, just like a straight man can. And a gay woman can marry a man, just like a straight woman can. And an intersex person can… oh sorry, I forgot, they don’t exist.

See? Equality! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

What they’re really trying to say
I love it when my prejudice finds a loophole.

The smackdown
One thing that same-sex marriage opponents are constantly telling us is how important marriage is. It has, we’re told, been the bedrock of happy, prosperous societies for thousands of years. It’s an institution so sacred, so profound, and so absolutely critical for the propagation of mankind, that allowing same-sex marriage would be jeopardising our very future as a species. For this reason, marriage must be allowed only for heterosexual couples who love each other beyond measure and want to raise a family.

Oh, and anyone who finds their partner physically repulsive.

OK I’m exaggerating a little, but let’s just think about that for a moment. The people championing the sanctity of marriage think that a loving, monogamous, same-sex couple will besmirch their sacred institution more than two people who have absolutely no interest in each other physically and will probably cheat on each other during the bridal waltz. That would, admittedly, make for some pretty funny wedding photos, but it renders their argument kind of useless.

This argument is nothing more than a cheap and very poorly disguised attempt to justify the same bigotry behind all the other anti-equality arguments. But this time, their idiocy has ended in self-immolation. For if what they’re saying is valid, marriage isn’t sacred, it’s a joke.

And not a very funny one, at that.

^{Gn 5:1-2}This is the book the descendents of Adam, summarised into a handy table so you can print it out and impress your friends.

^{Gn 5:3-32}

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<< Genesis 4

This little missive comes under the sub-title:

‘Know Your Enemy’

A lot of fairly cheap capital has been made on the choice of the new pope’s name: Francis. Hilarious references to preaching to animals, as well as jokes about how feeding the poor is a new idea. Etc., ignorant etc.

The fact of the matter is that the name is astonishingly significant. Why has there never been a pope called Francis, do we think? It’s simple. Francis and the movement, initially outlawed and persecuted by the inquisition, that loosely took his name and (even more loosely) espoused his ideas, were a social and spiritual force that came close to tearing the mediaeval church apart. There were riots, massacres, and a long forgotten bloody and brutal battle. Check out Fra Dolcino at the link below.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fra_Dolcino

What was so destructive about the Franciscans/Dolcinians? I’ll do it in point form.

• They believed that the adjuration to poverty should be taken literally, i.e., that the church and all its clergy should be literally poor, rather than calling themselves poor on the basis of the claim that they cared not for the mountains of gold that they sat on.
• They believed that the ‘secular clergy’ (priests, bishops, cardinals, etc.) were heretics simply because they had accepted rank and status, and should be killed – a belief that many Dolcinians, at least, put into practice.
• They believed that the second coming had been delayed for reasons that they repeatedly explained (and which I still don’t understand) and that the program would resume normal function once everyone they didn’t like was dead, or something like that.

Needless to say, most of these beliefs arise from the fact that they were completely insane. The important thing, though, is that, say whatever you like about the church (I always do), the pope’s choice of name is in fact as significant as they say. It suggests revolution, upheaval and, potentially, a complete re-casting of ‘THE CATHOLIC CHURCH’ as ‘the catholic church’.

Why am I telling you this? Because if you wish to criticise the papacy, the fuss about the name or the Church at large without knowing this, you are going to look a fool, and a blindly partisan one at that.

If you intend to make cheap jokes about preaching to the birds and feeding the poor without understanding what the name ‘Francis’ means to an organisation that never forgets – well… suffice it to say, if you don’t know what you are talking about, there is no good reason for anyone to listen to you. This would be a shame, especially in light of the election of what’s shaping up to be one of the most popular popes of all time. It would be a crying shame if all we atheists started looking like tiny-minded bigots just as the church enters a period of likely resurgence, headed, of course, by the smiling Francis, forgiving us all for our malice.

There are several fundamental things deeply wrong with the church’s values, ways and very existence. None of these have anything to do with hats, gowns, funny names or Darth Vader’s boss. 

It annoys me that so many people are willing to undermine this central truth, as well as the credibility of all who espouse it, for nothing more than a cheap and not very intelligent joke.

Is a question I’m pretty certain many of you will be asking.

Just so that you’re not totally misled by Tim’s excessively kind introduction of me, I thought I might write a few words on my favourite subject below.

My name is Chris. I was raised as a Catholic until my family got bored of their recently acquired Christianity. After this I was raised as an investment. Neither of these strategies has panned out well for anybody.

I credit myself with being one of the minority of people who both:

a) have an opinion of the bible and quran and;

b) have also read them.

I like candlelit dinners, long walks by moonlight and Irish Whiskey. I only really like one of those things.

As I dislike having to trumpet my politics all the time, I suppose I should make a few things clear at the outset.

1. I am an Atheist.
2. I am Pro-Choice, Pro-Equality, and Anti-Having-To-Declare-and-Label-What-Are-Self-Evidently-Reasonable-And-Humane-Positions.
3. I like Irish Whiskey.

^{Gn 4:1}And Adam knew his wife, which is kind of obvious. I mean, of course he knew her – she was made out of one of his ribs, for god’s sake. And he had cleaved unto her, and they had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing and Nudity together, and they had matching mink coats, and… oh… wait, I see what you mean. You mean his penis knew her vagina! Right. So, Adam knew his wife, in the biblical sense, and Eve became pregnant, and had a son, and said “Behold! I have gotten a man from the lord. Hopefully he’s a hottie, for it will make incest with his sisters much easier.”

^{Gn 4:2}And Adam knew his wife again, in the biblical sense, and she had another son, Abel. And the time came for Cain and Abel to choose their careers, so they went to their careers adviser, Derek, who is one of the lesser known Biblical characters, and will probably be cut from the final edition^{Note 1}. And Derek said unto Cain, “Lo, what sort of jobs do you like?” And Cain said, “Behold! I like the outdoors.” And Derek said, “Lo, can you be more specific? All the jobs are outdoors.” And Cain said, “Behold! I like hard, physical work that benefits my community and fulfills the instructions that god gave my parents when he kicked them out of Eden.” And Derek said, “Lo, you should be a tiller of the earth.” And so Cain went off and began tilling the earth in the name of god, and he was so happy he wrote a song about it, called “Tilling In The Name Of (God)”, which contains the now famous refrain “Bless you I will do what you tell me”. And then came Abel’s turn, and Derek said unto Abel, “Lo, what sort of jobs do you like?” And Abel said, “Behold! I am lazy, and wish to stand around all day working on my tan.” And Derek said, “Lo, you should be a shepherd.” And it was so.

^{Gn 4:3}And it came to pass that Cain grew some fruit. And he said unto himself, “Hang on… rather than use this fruit to provide nutrition for our fledgling species, I should give it to an omnipotent being who doesn’t eat and already has a shitload of fruit in his own garden.” And it was so.

^{Gn 4:4}And Abel saw what Cain had done, and realised that the one thing that god didn’t have was lamb burgers, so he went out and killed one of his lambs, and marinated it overnight in rosemary and garlic, and then pan fried it and served it with a glass of red wine, for he was a red wine Jew. And god tasted the lamb burger, and said “Holy shitballs, Abel… that’s lambtastic.”

^{Gn 4:5}But then god saw Cain’s fruit, and although it complied with his instructions when he kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden and took years of back-breaking labour to produce, and even though Abel didn’t really do anything except let his sheep have sex, god realised that he had plenty of fruit already, and Cain had put little stickers on the fruit, which he found really annoying to peel off. So he gave Cain a dirty look, which made Cain sooky. Quite understandably, in my opinion. But lo, I am not here to judge.

^{Gn 4:6-7}And the lord said unto Cain, “Why so sooky? If you do well, won’t I accept you? And if you don’t do well, sin lies at your door. And sin will desire you, and you will rule over him.” And Cain said “Wait, what? Are you drunk? What does that mean? And why did you not accept me, even though I did do well?”

^{Gn 4:8}But god seems to have not answered, for the next thing we know, Cain and Abel are out in the fields together, and Cain felt aggrieved enough to rise up and murder his brother. And, when you think about it, that means he murdered a quarter of the world’s population at the time (not including Derek, of course). So basically Cain’s offence was the modern equivalent of killing just under 2 billion people, all because someone put fingerprints on his iPad.

^{Gn 4:9}And I guess Cain went off and buried Abel somewhere, for god walked up and said, “Cain, where is Abel thy brother?” And Cain replied, “Don’t you know?” And god said, “Of course I don’t know. I am god, and I don’t need to have sex like you guys.” And Cain said, “No, I meant, don’t you know, in the non-biblical sense.” And god said, “Oh, yes, of course I know in the non-biblical sense. I always ask questions I know the answer to in the non-biblical sense. It adds to the drama. Please play along.” And Cain said, “Well in that case I don’t know where Abel is in the non-biblical sense. Am I his keeper?”

^{Gn 4:10}And god said, “What have you done? Yes, yes I know the answer, Cain. Please be quiet. Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. NO CAIN, NOT LITERALLY! ^{Gn 4:11}You are now cursed from the earth, ^{Gn 4:12}and you won’t be… er… Abel to grow your fruit any more, which is a good thing, because no one likes it anyway. A vagabond shalt thou be!”

^{Gn 4:13}And Cain said “WAAAAAAAAAAAH! ^{Gn 4:14}I’m a vagabond, and everyone who sees me will kill me.” And he sent god a text with a frowny face, like this

^{Gn 4:15}And god said, “I don’t mean to be picky, but that’s not technically possible, for you can only be killed once. And you’re exaggerating a little, because the only other people alive are your parents. But I take your point, so how about this. Anyone who kills you will have vengeance taken on them… wait for it… sevenfold!” And Cain said, “But how would that work? You just said people can only be killed once.” And god said, “I am god, I can kill people as many times as I like.” And so god gave Cain a t-shirt that said “If you see this man, please don’t kill him even though he is a vagabond who murdered a quarter of the world’s population because I didn’t like his crappy fruit. Lots of love, god.” And on the back of the shirt god wrote “Need male friends. You’ll like me once you get to know me.”, without specifying whether he meant the non-biblical sense, and lo, god found his ambiguity hilarious.

^{Gn 4:16}And for some reason Cain then went to sleep for a while^{Note 2}.

^{Gn 4:17}And Cain managed to find a wife from somewhere. Probably at his parents’ house, living with the rest of his sisters. And Cain knew his sister wife, in the biblical sense, and she gave birth to their nephew son. And, lo, they called his name Enoch, and I’m pretty sure they called their actual son Enoch as well, because it’s confusing to give different names to your son and your son’s name. And then the next thing you know Cain built a whole frikken city, which is pretty impressive, but tax revenue was low on account of the very high vacancy rate for inner-city rentals. And he called the name of the city Enoch, but it’s unclear if the city itself was called Enoch, or if the city’s name was named after Enoch or Enoch’s name, which was also called Enoch.

^{Gn 4:18-21}And then Enoch begat a whole bunch of sons, one of which was Lamech, and Lamech took two wives, which seems a bit greedy if you ask me, but I’m not here to judge. And one of his wives had a son, Jabal, and he was the father of all who pick their nose left-handed. And Jabal’s brother’s name was Jubal, and he was the father of all who ride skateboards.

^{Gn 4:22}And their cousin Tubalcain was a fitness instructor.

^{Gn 4:23-24}And now we’re back to Lamech again, who seems to have killed an unspecified random, probably because he wanted more wives.

^{Gn 4:25}And Adam knew his wife again, in the biblical sense, and they had a son, and they called their son and their son’s name Seth, which is Hebrew for “A son that god has given you to replace a son murdered by your other son”, and is a common enough occurrence to have its very own word.

^{Gn 4:26}And Seth also had a son, and by that I mean Seth himself, not Seth’s name. And Seth called his son’s name Enos, and I don’t really need to make that joke again, so I won’t.

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Footnotes

1. It is unclear who advised Derek to be a careers adviser – hence the expression, “Which came first, Derek or the careers adviser?” (back)
2. The Land of Nod, apparently. (back)

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<< Genesis 3 | Genesis 5 >>

My good mate Chris has just agreed to become a regular contributor here at Good Bad Asinine. Yaaaaay!

There are only three things you need to know about Chris:

1. He’s a lot smarter than me;
2. He writes a lot more coherently;
3. He actually knows what he’s talking about.

I’ll let him tell you more about himself, and the sorts of things he might write about.

Keep a look out for his posts. You’ll be able to tell they’re his by the name “Chris” in the top right corner.

Well, she was. What did she expect? Out late at night, putting herself in that position, dressed the way she was, what was I supposed to do?

I’m talking, of course, about the young woman I just ran over with my car. Now I know what you’re thinking, and believe me, I understand how you feel. I had the same thought when I first saw her. Running people over is generally considered to be a bit mean, and I have a big four wheel drive with a kick arse bull bar, and I knew it wasn’t exactly going to tickle if I ploughed right through her. She’d probably suffer lasting physical and emotional damage. She could even die.

So yes, I understand that you think running her over wasn’t the right thing to do. But hear me out.

It was late at night, as I said, and it was in a bit of a dodgy neighbourhood, so there were no streetlights. But on top of all that, she was also wearing dark clothes! How dumb can you get? She must have known that if she dressed like a ninja, and then crossed a dark street late at night, there was a good chance she would get hit by a car. What was she thinking?

Now if you think that’s bad, wait till you hear this. Despite all of that, I still managed to see her in the middle of the road. I am, after all, an excellent driver. My dad even lets me drive on the driveway. So yeah, I saw her. And yeah, I could have stopped, or beeped my horn to warn her. But you won’t believe what happened next. I looked up, and saw that she was crossing the street while the little man was red!

Can you believe it? No don’t worry, I couldn’t either.

So I stomped on the gas and ran that bitch over.

It’s what any nice, normal young man from a good family would do.