The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

Until death do us part… and that’s when the fun starts

Most husbands are sad when their wives die. But apparently Egyptian Muslims just get horny. Which perhaps explains all the loose fitting attire at funerals.

Thankfully, the Egyptian parliament is going to do something about it. They’re going to legalise dead sex with your ex. Well, for the first six hours after death anyway. Any longer would be weird.

Now I don’t know about you, but I found this a little wacky at first. Why on earth would anyone want to have sex with their dead wife so soon after she died? But after thinking it through, I think they may be on to something:

Game on
One thing that’s always bugged me about sex is that women sometimes don’t want it. Not a problem when they’re dead. Just go up to your wife and say “Hands up who doesn’t want to have sex with me?”. Just make sure your other wives aren’t in the room. They’ll probably raise their hands, and that might kill your buzz.

Silence is golden
The other thing that annoys me about sex is that even when they’re up for it, they want it to be fun for them too. Finally, you can have sex in peace, with no more of the incessant “a little higher”, or “a little lower”, or – the worst – “is it my turn to come yet?”

Egypt is hot, dead bodies are not
Let’s face it – Egypt is pretty hot. So imagine how refreshing it would be to have your wife die, clear your head with a quick run to the pyramids, and then be home just in time for a nice, cooling, sex session with a former human.

One final thing…
I’m a misogynistic arsehole who thinks women are nothing more than two fun bags and a hole. Two holes if it’s my birthday.

I demand to be heard!

I’m getting really sick of this. People keep trying to stifle my opinions! Which is kind of frustrating, since my ill-informed, psychologically-damaging opinion is heaps more valider than everyone else’s, coming as it does from a narrow interpretation of a single line from a plagiarised set of fairytales that aren’t very interesting and talk a lot about mildew.

“Wow, Tim,” I hear you say. “You seem upset! What happened?”

Glad you asked…

A pesky gay rights organisation called Stonewall placed ads on London buses, proclaiming “Some people are gay. Get over it”. Bit offensive, sure, but that’s their right. The problem came when the morally upright vanquishers of homosexuality from the Core Issues Trust tried to put up ads of their own. All these guys wanted to do was to let everyone know that The Gay can be cured. Seems fair, right? Wrong! The nasty mayor of London cancelled the ads faster than you can say Ted Haggard.

This not only impinges on Christians’ religious freedom, it’s also downright dangerous. The Gay is a disease just like any other. Well, OK sure, they seem to have more fun than people with cancer, but having cancer won’t send you to hell. Unless you’re also gay. But the important thing is, unlike cancer, The Gay can be cured, and souls can be saved! If only the mayor of London would run the ads.

Thankfully, the good people at Core Issues Trust are appealing the decision. Let’s hope they win. Cos if they do, perhaps I’ll finally be able to put up some ads promoting a cure of my own:


___

If you’re black, please don’t be offended. I have an ancient holy book to back me up.

Not to mention a fuck-tonne of stupid.

False advertising

As I was walking to the shops the other day, I was struck by two thoughts. One, my suburb has an absolute shitload of churches. And two, some collective nouns are actually quite sensible.

The trigger for each was a billboard outside the local Presbyterian church, which I happened to be walking past at the time. You’ve probably seen the same billboards in your own suburb – the organisation that supplies them, Outreach Media, provides them to churches all over Australia, with their aim being to

Promote the Christian Gospel through various media channels and to assist churches and Christian groups to raise the profile of the Christian message.

And, apparently, the best way to achieve this is to put up crap like this:

What strikes me most about the above poster, which appeared several months ago, is not the lame attempt to link Jesus to a currently popular social phenomenon, but the lack of faith in their own product. There are no appeals to any of the central, defining tenets of Christianity; no grand, dignified message of salvation. Just a pathetic attempt at cleverness that essentially translates to “Jesus is swell”.

But what is the defining tenet of Christianity? Will this month’s billboard be more informative? Well, no:

Wow… Jesus really is swell.

But hang on… there’s a website! Perhaps it will shed some light on what Christianity is all about.

Dear God,

I know that I am not worthy to be accepted by you.
I don’t deserve your gift of eternal life.
I am guilty of rebelling against you and ignoring you.
I need forgiveness.

Thank you for sending your son to die for me that I may be forgiven.
Thank you that he rose from the dead to give new life.

Amen

And there you have it. What was at first a superficially innocuous attestation of Jesus’ street cred has now been revealed as something far less appealing. Yes, folks, the central message of Christianity is simply this:

Dear god… I really, really, really suck. Sorry about your son.

Christianity doesn’t ask you to share your life. It demands you give it away. Or else. And there’s only one thing to say to a demand like that.

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