The scene: Joe and Mary want to get married. Unaware of Sydney Anglicans’ new marriage vows, they approach their local Anglican priest to enquire about using his church for the ceremony…
Joe: Hi there. I’m Joe, and this is my fiance, Mary. We were wondering if we could talk to you about getting married in your church.
Priest: Hi Joe! Come in, please. Will Mary be waiting outside?
Joe: Excuse me?
Priest: Oh, you’re one of those. Fine, fine. Come in, please.
Joe: Thank you.
Priest: So, you want to be married in my church?
Joe: Yes, if that’s possible.
Priest: Shouldn’t be a problem. You’re both Christian, I hope?
Mary: Yes, we are.
Priest: Good, good. And I assume you know what will be expected of you, as soon-to-be-married Christians?
Joe: I think so. We should at all times be to each other what Christ was to his followers.
Priest: And that was…?
Mary: Respectful, loving, forgiving —
Priest: Goodness gracious! Where on earth did you hear that?
Mary: Oh, I thought the bible —
Priest: Haha, poor little thing. That’s not what the bible says at all… Your husband is your master!
Joe: That doesn’t sound right…
Priest: I can see how you might have missed it. I mean, it’s only in the first frikken book. “And the Lord God said to Adam, It is not good that you should be alone; I will make an help meet for you.”
Mary: An help meet?
Priest: Well, OK, the wording is a little silly. But there’s more, Mary! “Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee”. See? You have to find him sexy, and he gets to boss you around.
Mary: Oh… It really says that?
Priest: And more! This is the best bit. Adam wasn’t punished for eating the fruit, he was punished because he listened to his wife! “Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, cursed is the ground for thy sake”.
Mary: Well, maybe, but that’s just a story, isn’t it…
Priest: Don’t be so worried! Submission isn’t a bad thing, Mary. It’s like dancing. The man always leads, right?
Mary: I guess so… but a dance doesn’t last 50 years, does it?
Priest: OK, OK. Bad example. Think of it more like an altar boy submitting to his priest.
Joe: Well that doesn’t sound so bad. Right, honey?
Mary: Yeah, that does sound better!
Priest: So, we’re all on board?
Joe and Mary: Yep!
Priest: That’s great news! It’s great being Christian, isn’t it? Imagine being one of those damned Muslims. The way they treat their women. Disgraceful…