The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

An open letter to the Prime Minister of Australia

Dear Ms Gillard,

I have a question on the Human Rights and Anti-Discrimination Bill 2012 which I thought you might be able to answer, being a lawyer who knows the law, and an atheist who follows the evidence.

What I wanted to know is, if I was able to find 100% irrefutable evidence that, ceteris paribus, hair-lipped overweight blind unmarried black transgender wheelchair-bound lesbians with children make worse workers than their white-bread, corn-fed, bible-led hetero peers, is that sufficient grounds to fire them under the act?

I mean, Shirley is nice and everything, but she makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to be able to fire her without fear of prosecution. I know my reasons aren’t religious, but it’s better to have some evidence than none, right?

Thanks Prime Minister, I would really appreciate your advice.

Yours sincerely,

BigotWithoutAHolyBook
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I did actually submit this letter via the PMs website. Will let you know if I get a response!

GBAV – Genesis 2

Gn 2:1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

Gn 2:2And on the seventh day God said “I’m spent”; for he was tired from the work which he had made, and he decided to rest from all the work which he had made, for even all-powerful beings sometimes get tired from the work which they make.

Gn 2:3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it, and spent the rest of the day watching angels play cricketNote 1. And then he kicked himself, because he remembered that he could have made everything in one day if he’d wanted to, and he could have used the other five days for a test match, instead of this Twenty20 rubbish. And verily, he wished that he had created the work which he had made by clicking his fingers, instead of making the work which he had made in such a convoluted manner.

Gn 2:4In other news, these are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, Gn 2:5before there were any plants, and before there were any herbs, for the god had not caused it to rain upon the earth and there was not a man to till the ground, and keen students will notice that neither of these things were necessary when god made the plants and herbs in Chapter 1.

Gn 2:6But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground, which took a very long time, mist being what it is.

Gn 2:7And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, or at least he tried to, but he was in a desert and the sand wouldn’t stick together very well, even with a sand bucket, so he went somewhere else to find some nicer soil, and he found some nice soil that didn’t contain any sticks or rocks, and wasn’t too black, because if he made a black person first there would be no one around to oppress him. And he breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and it was very tricky but he managed to breathe in just the right way and in just the right places to give him a brain, and a heart, and veins, and arteries, and capillaries, and immune and central nervous systems. And man became a living soul, but he looked a little like Gumby, because god had left his sand bucket in the desert, and he realised he didn’t want bucket shaped people anyway, and he was still getting the hang of this claymation thing. And he thought, “I really should have just made him by clicking my fingers instead of making him in such a convoluted manner”.

Gn 2:8And the Lord God went to his local nursery, and bought lots of plants and mulch and tanbark and gravel and fertiliser and weed-spray and shears and garden gloves, and he had it delivered eastward in Eden, and he planted a garden; and there he put the man whom he had formed, who now looked a little more like Wallace from Wallace and Grommit, for god’s claymation skills were getting better.

Gn 2:9And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the he made the Tree of Life, and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. And these were very important trees, and god didn’t want them to be eaten, so he made them look only a little bit yummier than all the other fruit trees, and made them so you had to twist the fruit round and round a few times to pull it off, and enclosed them in a knee-high picket fence with a gate that had a tricky latch.

Gn 2:10And a river went out of Eden to water the garden, which was slightly controversial, because you normally water a garden by putting water into it; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. Gn 2:11-12The name of the first is Pison, Gn 2:13and the name of the second is Gihon, the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia, which is difficult for a river to do, given that water flows downhill, Gn 2:14and the fourth river is Euphrates. And that should be enough information for you to locate the garden, should you wish to.

Gn 2:15And the Lord God took the man, and gave him the shears and garden gloves, and placed him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the man put on his sad face, for he really, really hated gardening.

Gn 2:16And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, Gn 2:17but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And I really don’t want that to happen (even though I know it will, for I know everything), so I only made the fruit a little bit yummier than the others, and I made it tricky to pull off, and I surrounded it with a fence that you can easily step over. But I’m not kidding around. You will actually drop dead if you eat that stuff. Seriously. I never exaggerate. Dead”. And Adam thought to himself, “Haha, I can get around that by eating from the Tree of Life first”, and god said, “I heard that”.

Gn 2:18And then god said, “It is not good that you should be alone; I will make him an help meet for you”. And Adam said, “OMG, I would love an help meet!”.

Gn 2:19So god decided to make an help meet for Adam, and out of the ground he formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and please don’t go and re-read Chapter 1, because you might notice that I have changed the order of creation. And god brought all the animals unto Adam to see what he would call them, and Adam said “Really? I have to name them all? That’s gonna take ages”. But then he rejoiced, for he realised that it meant he wouldn’t have to do any gardening for a while. Gn 2:20And so all the animals lined up to see what Adam would call them, and he started off quite enthusiastically and gave different names to each of the 1,200 species of bat, but then he got lazy, such that when the 400,000 beetle species came forward, he simply shouted “YOU’RE ALL BUGS! NEXT!”, and then one of the birds pecked him so he decided to call it “Pecky Pecky Stinky Bum”, but god knew it would never catch on, so he renamed it “chicken” behind Adam’s back, and the polar bear was wishing he had just been named “bear”, because he didn’t want to walk to the North Pole, and after the hyenas were named they went to the back of the queue to try and get named again: but none of the animals were suitable for an help meet. And god said unto Adam, “Sorry, I really should have seen that coming”. And Adam said, “That’s OK. Have you got anything with tits?”.

Gn 2:21And god caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh, Gn 2:22and god used the rib to make a woman, and brought her unto Adam, and said “Adam, check out your help meet!”. And Adam said, “Why is she so small?”. And god said, “I made her from one of your ribs, so there wasn’t much clay to work with”. And Adam said, “She’d be twice as big if you’d used two ribs”. And god said, “Yeah, I know”. And Adam said, “Seriously man, that’s just silly”. And god started wishing he had just made the woman by clicking his fingers, instead of making her in such a convoluted manner.

Gn 2:23And Adam said, “I shall call her Woman, because I am sexist. Woman, fetch me a soda”. Gn 2:24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh, which doesn’t logically follow.

Gn 2:25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, but they were not ashamed, for Adam realised that, technically, he had the biggest dick in the world, and Eve realised she had the smallest bottom.
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Footnotes

  1. I always knew it was the game they play in Heaven. (back)

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<< Genesis 1 | Genesis 3 >>

GBAV – Genesis 1

Gn 1:1 Once upon a timeNote 1, a timeless being named god was bored. So he decided to make stuff.

Gn 1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and there was darkness on the face of the deep, and the spirit of god moved upon the face of the waters, which was odd, because the earth was without form, and void.

Gn 1:3 And god said “Let there be light, but let there be no light source, and let there be nothing for it to reflect off, so no one can see it”. But then god realised that ‘light’ is really just a biological agent’s interpretation of one part of the electromagnetic spectrum, so he decided to say “Let there be electromagnetic radiation” instead. And although it wasn’t as catchy, there was electromagnetic radiation.

Gn 1:4 And god saw the electromagnetic radiation, and thought himself pretty damn awesome. And he divided the visible electromagnetic radiation that no one could see because there was no light source and it wasn’t reflecting off anything from the darkness that was everywhere because there was no light source and the light wasn’t reflecting off anything.

Gn 1:5 And god invented English, and called the visible electromagnetic radiation that no one could see ‘day’, and the darkness he called ‘night’, but he reserved the right to change the meaning of those words tomorrow. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Gn 1:6 And God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters”. And everyone said, “That makes so sense whatsoever”.

Gn 1:7 And god made the firmament, and put some of the water above it, and some of the water below it. And it was so, because, like I just said, he had just done it.

Gn 1:8 And god called the firmament ‘Heaven’, even though (a) the firmament was already called ‘the firmament’, and (b) a more pressing concern was naming the bits above and below the firmament, since they were both called ‘waters’, which was confusing. And the evening and morning were the second day. And the word ‘day’ now referred to a period of time, and not the visible part of the electromagnetic spectrum which no one could see.

Gn 1:9 And god said, “Let the waters below heaven be gathered into one place. And when I say one place, I mean many places, because not only would it be inconvenient to have just one body of water, we need at least two so the freshwater and saltwater don’t mix. And let the future readers of this text not realise that I have forgotten to do anything with the waters above heaven. And let there be land, I guess.”

Gn 1:10 And god called the land ‘earth’, and the waters ‘seas’, and he thought himself pretty damn awesome.

Gn 1:11 And god said “Let there be grass, and herbs, and fruit, but not flowers, fungi, lichen or gum trees”. And it was so. Gn 1:12 And lo, there was grass, and herbs, and fruit, but not flowers, fungi, lichen or gum trees, and he thought himself pretty damn awesome. And, once again, god asked for something, and instead of saying “And it was so” and leaving it there, I felt the need to list out all the things that happened for a second time, like a university student trying to pad out the word count on her assignment. But since the opening chapter of a book is critical in catching the reader’s attention, I won’t do it again, I promise. Gn 1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Gn 1:14 And god said “Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven, which was previously just called ‘heaven, and before that ‘the firmament’, to divide the day from the night, even though I divided the day from the night on Day 1; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years, even though when I get around to creating man I intend him to live in a garden in the Middle East and so have no need of oceanic navigation, and seasons are actually caused by the earth’s tilt (which I haven’t mentioned), and you can’t see stars during the day. Gn 1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, and let no one notice that stars are useless as a light source. And it was so.

Gn 1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. And no one pointed out that it was actually only one light. Gn 1:17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth. And yes, if giving light upon the earth was such a pressing concern, he shouldn’t have created the night in the first place, nor given the moon phasesNote 2.

Gn 1:18 But, needless to say, he saw it and thought himself pretty damn awesome. Gn 1:19 And the evening and morning were the fourth day.

Gn 1:20And God said, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, which is kind of a tautology, and fowl that may fly above the earth, excepting, of course, emus, and ostriches, and cassowaries, and kiwis, and penguins, and the New Caledonian Giant Megapode.

Gn 1:21And once again God did what he had just said he was going to do, and every living creature and winged fowl came forth from the waters, and God saw that it was good. Until he spotted the platypus, and he spent the rest of the day wondering if it was good, or just weird. Gn 1:22And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and try not to eat each other”. Gn 1:23And the evening and morning were the fifth day.

Gn 1:24And God said, “I didn’t have time yesterday, so today let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind, which is, I admit, a pretty silly taxonomic classification”. Gn 1:25And this is an exact copy of the previous verse, and I have already said I wouldn’t repeat myself again, so I won’t repeat myself again. And god still thought himself pretty damn awesome.

Gn 1:26And God said, “Let us make man in our image, only a bit shorter, and with smaller biceps: and let him be the boss of the fish of the sea, except the ones right at the very bottom; and over the fowl of the air, so beware of cassowariesNote 3; and the cattle, which you would have been the boss over anyway, for they aren’t very bright and love to be kept in fenced-off areas; and every creeping thing that creepeth, except in Australia where every creeping thing that creepeth will almost certainly kill you. And please ignore the dinosaurs, they won’t be here for long.”

Gn 1:27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, him he created in god’s image, and on the off chance that you guys still don’t get it, by that I mean that when god was looking for an image with which to create man, he decided to use his own. And he created both males and females, and since they were both in his image, I think means that god is a cross dresser. Which is fine.

Gn 1:28And god blessed them, even though they hadn’t sneezed, and god said unto them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth”. And they looked at him blankly, and he realised he hadn’t taught them how to speak English, so he taught them English in some convoluted manner that was a lot more work than just clicking his fingers. And god saw them speaking English, and saw they spoke good. And then he had to say everything all over again, which was fine, because he’d been doing it all week. So he said unto them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth”. And the woman said, “What do you mean ‘replenish’, aren’t we the first ones?”. And god said “Verily, I say unto you, nobody likes a smart arse. And thou shalt have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth, which doesn’t include viruses, so there.”

Gn 1:29And god said, “Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. Which I think means you should all be vegetarians.”

Gn 1:30And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat. Oi, Lions, stop looking at those zebras and eat your damn coriander.”

Gn 1:31And god saw every thing that he had made, and said “Hmm… I think I’ll start again. LOL, just kidding, I am pretty damn awesome”. But then he re-read his creation story, and realised that if he was going to take the trouble to be wrong, he should have at least made it interesting, like the Dreamtime. “But that’s OK,” he thought. “No one’s going to take it seriously“. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

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Footnotes

  1. As the fairytale equivalent of “In the beginning…”, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate opening line. (back)
  2. I’d love to see god try and cycle home drunk with only the new moon to guide him. (back)
  3. Flightless birds explicitly excluded. (back)

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Genesis 2 >>

The Bible – Good Bad Asinine Version

There are many versions of the bible. And they’re all boring. So I’m writing my own.

The first chapter, Genesis 1, can be found here. Enjoy.
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A few quick notes:

  1. Hover your mouse over a bible reference (e.g. Gn 1:1) to view the King James verse that I have improved upon.
  2. Click on a footnote link (e.g. Note 1) to be taken the relevant footnote at the bottom of the post. Click (back) to be taken back to where you were.
  3. I would like to thank god and his followers for writing the bible, and giving me such good material to work with.

To Do’s unto others

The latest Outreach Media poster is out!

2013-01_resolutions

I dunno. Leaving aside the fact that entering eternal life means leaving this one, goals should at least be attainable, and drinking more water sounds kind of hard. With that in mind, I took the trouble to make a new list for them, one that is hopefully a little more achievable.

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