The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

GBAV – Genesis 6 Part 1

Gn 6:1And it came to pass that men began to multiply, and possibly add and subtract and divide. And they had daughters, Gn 6:2and some of the daughters were hot, so men grabbed all the hot daughters they could carry, and married them.

Gn 6:3In a completely unrelated matter, god decided that letting people live to 700 was maybe not such a good idea, for there was a lot of adultery due to the 700 year itch, and actuarial reserving was becoming increasingly difficult. And lo, he set an age limit of 120, which was a little redundant since life expectancy soon plummeted to about 40.

Gn 6:4In another completely unrelated matter, giants roamed the earth in those days, and some of them were six feet tall! And women had babies with them, and one of their giant babies, Andre, went on to have a mildly successful film career.

Gn 6:5So, where was I? Oh yeah, men marrying each other’s daughters. Around this time god realised if you make everyone marry their relatives and then give them 700 years to think about it, they tend to not turn out so well. Gn 6:6And god regretted making man, and wished he had invented Lego instead. Gn 6:7So he sat down to think about what he should do about it. And lo, he considered giving them another chance, and a little more moral guidance. He even considered just lightening up a little. But in the end he thought he should probably just kill everyone. So he turned his attention to figuring out how best to destroy every living thing on the planet in the most convoluted way possible. Gn 6:8-10Well, every living thing on the planet except Noah and his wife, and his sons and their wives, for apparently they were the only good ones. Which was quite a lucky coincidence, really, having all the good ones in the same family.

Gn 6:11For lo, the earth was corrupt, and filled with violence, Gn 6:12and god looked upon the earth and saw that it was corrupt, and filled with violence. Which means god’s eyesight was pretty good, for the earth was indeed corrupt, and filled with violence. Gn 6:13And god said unto Noah, “The earth is corrupt, and filled with violence”. And Noah said, “The earth is corrupt, and filled with violence?” And god said, “Yes, Noah, corrupt, and filled with violence. So I am going to destroy it in the most convoluted way possible.”

Gn 6:14“Really?” asked Noah. “You’re going to give everyone a lifetime supply of deodorant, and although everyone will smell nice, over the course of 500 years the chlorofluorocarbon propellant will create a hole in the ozone layer, and eventually everyone will get skin cancer and die?” “Oh no,” replied god, “I’m going to cover the earth in water and drown everyone. So go and make a boat out of gopher wood. And don’t forget to pitch it with pitch.” And Noah asked, “Pitch it with pitch?” And god said, “Yes, pitch it with pitch.” And Noah asked, “What if I want to seal it with seals instead?” And god said, “Don’t be silly.”

Gn 6:15And lo, god then got down to the nitty gritty, and said “The boat should be quite big. I’m thinking, oh I don’t know, roughly one-third of the size of the Titanic, but harder to sink, obviously. Let’s say 300 x 50 x 30 cubits.” And Noah was confused, for he wasn’t sure if God had said ‘qubits‘ or ‘cubits’, and it was a fairly important distinction. And lo, if you understand that joke, then, verily, you are a nerd.

Gn 6:16And god said, “Put a window in the ark, and a door in the side, and three levels, and lots and lots of animal cages, and a gaming lounge, and three restaurants, and a waterslide. And I’d recommend a toilet, but I’ll leave that up to you.” And Noah said, “Hang on… that doesn’t sound right. I can only put in one window?”

Gn 6:17-21But god ignored him, and said “And I’m going to make it piss down, and drown every living thing. Except you guys, of course, cos you’ll be on the boat, and two of every animal on the planet, cos they’ll be on the boat too.” And Noah started to wish that he was one of the ones being drowned.

Gn 6:22But Noah kept his composure, and said “I will do as you ask, god, but first, I have a few questions…”
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