The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

You know what would be better than chaplains?

If there’s one issue that highlights the contempt this government has for the people of this country and the democratic process, it’s the budget. And the treatment of asylum seekers. And the planned destruction of World Heritage areas. And the denial of anthropogenic climate change. And the NBN. And the surfboard Tony gave to Obama. Oh, and the National School Chaplaincy Program.

Lots of people are unhappy about chaplains. One man, Ron Williams, has put his whole life and livelihood on the line to fight against chaplains on our behalf. And Chrys Stevenson has been documenting the idiocy like nobody’s business. But, for some reason, they want to replace chaplains with qualified, secular counsellors and psychologists. Sorry guys, but with all due respect, that’s madness. MADNESS I TELL YOU!

What our vulnerable school students really need are gigolos.

Yes, you heard me – gigolos.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’ve seen the Deuce Bigalow movies, you think all gigolos own huge fish tanks and have giant wangs and have a large collection of ancient weapons. But you’re forgetting about Deuce. He was nice. He looked after all the weirdos and the bullied and the freakishly tall. Which is really what chaplaincy is all about, isn’t it? Nice people being nice and looking after people who maybe aren’t doing as well as the rest of us. Deuce was great at listening and talking and being nice and making people feel better. Sure, the other gigolo in the movie was a dïck, but that’s just your confirmation bias talking. Deuce was nice, focus on him.

But now you’re thinking something else. “Professional gigolos? In schools? That’s a recipe for disaster! They’ll just hit on all the hot schoolgirls and Marist brothers.”

This is, I admit, a real and concerning possibility. But I have the perfect solution.

All we have to do to stop gigolos being gigolos in schools is to make a rule that says they’re not allowed to be gigolos in schools. It’s genius! I’m sure Deuce will follow the rule. He’s nice. And if there’s one thing a terrified, confused, suicidal young transgender person needs, it’s a really nice skilled professional who we’ve asked nicely not to use their professional skill.

Say no to chaplains. Say no to qualified secular counsellors and psychologists. It’s time for a new program. I give you:

The National School Gigolo Program – Gigolos are nice, and we’ve asked them nicely to not be gigolos in school

And it’ll only cost you $200m.

Miranda Devine is a fücking idiot

Well, she is. But don’t worry – I’m not being Mirandaphobic, because “fücking idiot” doesn’t mean what you think it means.

You see, a few weeks ago, a rugby league player called one of his opponents a “fücking gay cünt”. The NRL then suspended him for lack of creativity homophobia. Miranda was outraged:

There was no problem with the players trying to punch each other. No problem with the foul language. No problem with the sexist c-word. But woe betide the player who ­offends the gods of homosexuality. Let’s get one thing straight. “Gay” no longer just means “homosexual”. The word has changed meaning over the last decade. Young people use “gay” to mean lame, or dumb or stupid, as in: “That’s so gay.”

I don’t know who the “god of homosexuality” is, but I think it might be Jesus, since he not only seems to be the one making all the gay people, but can rock a tunic and sandals like nobody’s business. In any case, it would seem that according to Miranda:

  1. Yes, “gay” does mean homosexual; but
  2. It also means “stupid”; so
  3. It’s not homophobic.
  4. P.S. Calling someone a “cünt” is sexist.

That’s all fine, but how does it make Miranda Devine a fücking idiot? Well, to make things easier for us, Miranda claimed that calling someone a “cünt” is sexist. And that allows us to say this:

  1. Yes, “cünt” does mean vagina; but
  2. It also means “fückwit”; so
  3. It’s not sexist.
  4. P.S. Calling someone “gay” is homophobic.

Ergo, Miranda Devine is a fücking idiot.

Now, at this point, you may be thinking that I’m being Mirandaphobic. But you’d be wrong. You see, dear reader, words can change their meaning over time. And since I started this post, “fücking idiot” no longer just means “a person of colossal stupidity” – it now also means “a person of Devine-like intelligence, capable of both making an argument and defeating it in the same paragraph”.

Which means I’m off the hook.

But she’s still a fücking idiot.

Bashing the ‘Common Man’

In an attempt to sell some books, I very recently ramped up my engagement with the citizens of the internet. Up till now I’ve been quite selective in my web-based circles of acquaintance, but this ceases to be possible when you have a product to whore around the market place. The sort of democratic availability that this entails has brought me into contact with the breathtaking pointy-headedness of the sort of people who generally leave comments on Youtube.

Now, stupid Americans, Britishers, Germans and Iranians are not really my problem as I feel (possibly erroneously) that people being stupid in their mothers’ basements thousands of miles away probably doesn’t affect me. Stupid Australians, on the other hand, are an entirely different matter.

I recently came across a series of videos going the rounds of Facebook. One in particular struck me as a worrying indication of what an actual majority of Australians might be thinking.

The scene: Action shot of a white SUV pelting down a highway, POV being over the shoulder of a Middle Eastern gentleman holding an AK47 in the crook of his arm. As the Middle Eastern gentleman’s vehicle pulls up level with the white SUV, he sticks the rifle out the window and randomly pours fire into it.

The caption: “This is what Moslem immigration will bring to Australia”.

Now, there’s just a few things wrong with this.

Firstly, there is no context for this video – no knowing where it is shot, by whom or even if it is part of some dramatic production. There is an Arabic caption bottom screen left which I and (I am absolutely certain) the video’s poster cannot read. Other than that, and it’s tenuous at best, we have nothing to connect the video with Islam at all.

Secondly, what is ‘Moslem immigration’? From comments below the video, one could be forgiven for thinking that this country is being inundated with a flood of Moslem immigrants arriving by boat from the dreaded land of Moslamia. One commenter evidently held the belief that ‘Moslem’ was an ethnicity originating from a country called Islamabad.

Thirdly, the SUV in the video is not available for sale in this country. A minor point, I know, but I needed a third thing and didn’t think it was necessary to point out that hardly any of the billion Moslems in the world go about firing assault rifles at random vehicles.

All fairly obvious and stupid, right? The problem, however, is that the video showed hundreds of shares and thousands of likes and comments, all on an individual’s stream, indicating that a much wider circulation and approval exists.

Is this really the state of public perception in this country? Does this accurately represent the thinking of ‘The Common Man’? If so, I officially refuse to pay any further attention whatsoever to the gibberings of this ‘Common Man’.

If that is seriously the best he can do, then the best thing he can do for all of us is to keep quiet and read a book. One of mine, maybe. I need the money, after all.