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The Moslem Problem in Australia and How to Solve it.

Our country is under siege. Insidious foreign fanatics, hiding amongst our neighbours, aided and abetted by a fiendish fifth column of intellectuals and anyone else who refuses to acknowledge that Islam is an evil, violent cult and that all Moslems are terrorists waiting to happen, are all conspiring to explode themselves in airports. Or something. I don’t really know anything about radical Islamism, Islam or the background to the various global Islamist insurgencies, but what I do know is that we’re facing some kind of terrible crisis. Thank God Tony Abbott and the Telegraph were there to tell me about it or I never would have known.

We face a terrible and frightening situation. Perhaps not on the same scale as having your country invaded by crazy fundamentalist mass-murderers, or living with the direct aftermath of nearly half a millenium of constant warfare, but it’s disturbing nonetheless. Just like our friends in the Middle East, we are threatened by the rising tide of radical Islam. We too, apparently, have come face to face with the fearsome spectre of militant radical Islamism at home. Just like the residents of Homs, Falluja and Basra, we walk streets haunted by sectarian hatred and violence. Sure, we generally don’t know the names of any of these sects, and most of the violence appears to be on the front page of the Telegraph, but still – it’s a serious problem. Especially since so few of us in this country are, in fact, Moslems. It just goes to show how virulent the problem is. Those other countries are chock full of Moslems, whilst we’re having this terrible crisis with nothing more than 2.2 percent of the population. It’s a constant source of wonder that so many of us are able to go safely about our daily business. The amazing courage with which we doggedly continue to watch television, drink beer and quaff lattes is a constant source of inspiration. Any other nation facing such a dire threat would probably spend all their time fortifying their houses and building panic rooms. Not us, however – we go on living our lives as if the clear and present existential threat represented by these demented killing machines simply doesn’t exist here.

In fact, one could be forgiven for believing this to actually be true. It’s very tempting to look at recent events and apply rational thought, evidence based reasoning and statistical analysis, but why would anyone do that? It’s bloody obvious – we have been completely swamped by these Islamic invaders – there’s even a McDonald’s somewhere that’s Halal. If that’s not enough proof of the crisis, I don’t know what is. Except perhaps all the kebab shops and Lebanese, Malay and Indonesian restaurants who have been quietly poisoning us with Halal foodstuffs for decades. No, never mind the numbers. Or the facts. Let’s just go with how we feel about the whole situation. That way, we can all enjoy holding strong opinions without the inconvenience of having to learn about the people we live with, or what exactly our issue with them is.

Besides, you only need to read the newspapers and look at Facebook to see that everything is changing radically for the worse. We never used to have all this violence, angst and conflict before we were flooded with Moslems. Okay, sure, there were numerous anti-Chinese race riots in the 1800s, and there was all the violence that accompanied the various waves of Greek and Italian immigrants in the early and middle twentieth century, and all that neo-nazi versus Asian crime gang business in the nineties, and the ongoing feuds, riots and racism involving the Lebanese, and, of course, the never-ending toxicity of our two hundred year relationship with Indigenous Australians, but none of these things really count. That all happened in the past and I have Greek friends and Asians are good at maths and cooking. This Moslem thing is totally different. Not the same thing at all.

Friends of mine are beginning to suggest that if Moslems are so fundamentally evil, we should get them out of our country. Except, of course, the really violent ones who want to go and fight overseas. Clearly, it’s our duty to keep those people here. Other people are wondering if a few tactical nukes might not solve the problem once and for all. Deportation and nuclear strikes are expensive, but how else are we going to protect ourselves from these crazy Moslems? Have you seen how they treat their women? And they’re always beheading people on the internet. Clearly, something has to be done and the government’s no use – all they have is a bunch of spy agencies, a military and a national budget. Clearly, it’s all down to us.

So what can we do? Don’t worry – I have a plan. All we have to do is regard all Moslems with deep and obvious suspicion. This can be helped along by constantly running offensively ignorant, inflammatory news stories every day, and generally letting the Moslem interlopers know that we are watching them and that we’ll be ready for them. And as an added bonus we can get some of our politicians to suggest that people who obey Sharia law should leave Australia while the Prime Minister declares on national television that domestic intelligence agencies are specifically targetting anyone and anything to do with Islam.

The brilliance of this plan is that it creates, albeit on a different scale, exactly the kind of circumstances in which radicalisation is achieved overseas. Marginalise, ostracise and alienate them enough, and very soon finding home-grown terrorists becomes much easier.

And most importantly – this part is crucial – it is hugely important that we, as concerned citizens, ensure that we learn absolutely nothing about Islam, Moslems, Middle Eastern Politics or anything that might actually inform the conversations we have about these issues. It would be a critical mistake, for example, to discover that Sharia law is not a single, unified body of law created by the evil Islamist conspiracy, but a myriad and varied, and often mutually exclusive and contradictory, collection of findings from various Ummahs around the world, mostly to do with ethical and doctrinal issues. This just needlessly complicates things and, more worryingly, makes it seem less frightening. And necessitates learning what the word ‘Ummah’ means. It also raises the problem of having to similarly deport anyone who obeys canon, ecclesiastical, Masonic, Buddhist and other secret, sinister, unofficial laws whilst pretending to be decent, hard-working Australian citizens. But we can’t let any of that rubbish stand in our way. We need to solve this problem once and for all, and no amount of being vague as to what the problem actually is, or who or what is actually being threatened, can be allowed to distract us from being completely outraged about it all.

So that’s it folks – our duty is clear. If we want to solve the Moslem problem, we first need to make certain that it exists, and this strategy is by far the best way to ensure that it does.