In which God makes it rain, but not in a strip club kind of way.
Gn 7:1And the Lord said to Noah, “Bring yourself and your family into your ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo, because you are a really nice guy, and I want to kill everyone on the planet in the most convoluted way possible.
Gn 7:2-3Then grab yourself seven of every clean beast, and two of every unclean beast, and seven of every bird, and put them in your ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo.” And Noah said, “I wish you’d told me that earlier, because in the last chapter you said to just grab two of everything, but now I have to collect an extra five of every clean beast on the planet, and I don’t have enough room, you muppet. Also, do we really need seven of every bird? It’s hard enough catching two.” And God said, “Stop being a whinger.” And Noah asked, “How do I know which beast is clean and which is unclean?” And God said, “I’ll tell you in Leviticus.” And Noah said, “Will the rules be hard to follow?” And God said, “No it will be really easy, and not at all ambiguous, and I will declare all your favourite foods clean.” And this made Noah happy, for he really loved bacon and lobster.
Gn 7:4And the Lord said, “Next week, I will make it rain like Lil’ Wayne, and I will kill every living thing that I have made. Except you and your family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.”
Gn 7:5And so Noah went all over planet collecting seven of everything clean and two of everything unclean and seven of every bird to put in his ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo so that God could destroy every living thing that he had created except for Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.
Gn 7:6And Noah was 600 years old when it started raining. Gn 7:7And Noah and his family boarded the ark. Gn 7:8-9And then all the clean and unclean animals and birds boarded the ark, except now there only seemed to be two of everything. Gn 7:10And seven days later it started raining.
Gn 7:11-12And Noah was (still) 600 years old when it started raining. Gn 7:13And Noah and his family boarded the ark (again). Gn 7:14-15And then all the clean and unclean animals and birds boarded the ark (again), except now there (still) seemed to be two of everything.
Gn 7:16And then God shut the door of the ark, because he hadn’t contributed at all so far, and, verily, it was the least he could do.
Gn 7:17And then it started raining (again), and the earth started flooding. Gn 7:18And the waters prevailed, and the earth continued flooding. Gn 7:19And the waters prevailed again, and the earth continued flooding. Gn 7:20And the waters prevailed some more, and the earth continued flooding until the water rose 6.8m above Mt Everest, because God wanted to kill everyone, and Ishmael Cohen was reeeeally tall, and a pretty good climber.
Gn 7:21-22And then everything on the earth died, except for Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes. Gn 7:23And then everything on the earth died (again), except for Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.
Gn 7:24And the waters prevailed again, for the last time, I promise.