The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

GBAV – Genesis 6 Part 2

In which Noah was just asked to build a ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo so God could kill everything on the planet except for Noah and his family and all the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes. Understandably, he had some questions.

“Understandably, I have some questions,” said Noah.

“Fire away,” said God.

“Why don’t you just kill everyone by clicking your fingers?”

“Oh if I do it this way it will be heaps more believable.”

“Hmmm,” said Noah. “Do you realise this will take about 200 years? Can you give me an engineering degree? And can you teach me carpentry? And shipbuilding? And navigation? And fluid dynamics? Can you make me a chainsaw? And a crane? And a logging truck? And a timber mill? And a circular saw? And some safety goggles?

“Do I really have to collect two of everything? Emperor penguins are cool I guess, but Antarctica is ages away. And what about kangaroos, and fire ants, and king cobras, and benobos? Do I have to collect all 1,000 species of bat? Do I have to collect animals that won’t be killed by the flood, like salt-water crocodiles and seagulls? How do you expect me to catch not one but two lions? How do I build a water-filled enclosure for the hippos? How will the giraffes get through the front door? Where on earth, literally, will I get all the food to feed these things? How am I supposed to feed the anteaters if I only have two ants to work with? What will I do with all the animal shït? Can I get a plastic container for the termites?

“How are you going to stop all the water from flowing over the edge of the earth? How will you kill all the other people who have boats? What will happen to the polar ice caps? What if we hit an iceberg? How will I maintain a safe weight distribution as we use up all the food? Can you make me some boat shoes? And a shuffle board set? Do we all have to say aye-aye? And what if someone doesn’t say aye-aye back? Does there have to be an aye-aye for an aye-aye? Can you lift the ban on masturbation? Can we have some toilet paper? Will you be providing linen?

“What happens when all the water recedes? What are the cows going to eat given all the grass will be dead? And what are we going to eat, given there will only be two cows, and you killed all the vegetables? What if the lions eat the zebras? Will I have to bury all the dead people? How will you restore the ocean’s salinity? How will the kangaroos get back to Australia?”

“Enough, Noah!” yelled God. “I get it! It’s a stupid idea. But we’re doing it anyway.”

“Well, in that case,” said Noah, “Can I also get some tweezers? Splinters are gonna be a bïtch.”
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Category: GBAV, Genesis, Good

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