BY Tim - Oct 10, 2015
In which all the flood water goes away, and Noah realises he now has to have sex with his family.
Gn 8:1And God found that waiting for everything on earth to drown was a little boring, so he went and did something else for while. But then he remembered Noah and his family and all the animals on the ark, and he thought he should probably help them out a bit. So he released his divine wind, and lo, his divine wind blew all the water away, and also warmed everything up a bit.
Gn 8:2-4And it stopped raining, and the water started disappearing, but we’re not sure where it went. And after 150 days, in the seventh month, God’s divine wind blew away enough water for the ark to come to rest on Mt Ararat. And if you don’t believe this story, you can find the remains of the ark there, I promise.
Gn 8:5-7And in the tenth month, the tops of the mountains were seen, except for Mt Ararat of course, which, as I just said, had been seen three months previously. And lo, the ark was pretty smelly by this stage, because Noah had only built one window (seriously). So he opened the one window he had made, and just for shïts and giggles he decided to send 14% of the earth’s entire population of ravens out the window. And that one raven didn’t really have anywhere to land, so it just flew around in circles for a while.
Gn 8:8-9And lo, Noah needed to know when the water had all gone, so he could leave the smelly ark, and even though he was on top of a mountain with great views, and was on speaking terms with the all-powerful creator of the universe, he thought the best way to find out was to send 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves out the window. But the dove couldn’t find anything to land on, so she returned to the ark muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “Why can’t you send a frikken pigeon”.
Gn 8:12But seven days later Noah still couldn’t be bothered using his eyes or asking God about the water situation, so he sent 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves out again to see if the water had all gone, and this time she returned with an olive leaf, which made Noah happy, because he knew the water had all gone, but also sad, because he would have preferred a mango. So after seven days Noah sent 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves out to find a mango, but the dove didn’t come back, probably because she was busy eating mangoes.
Gn 8:13And lo, in Noah’s 601st year, he opened up the ark and looked around, and he saw the earth was dry, and he realised that was a much better way to find out if the water had all gone, instead of risking 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves.
Gn 8:14-17And a month later the earth was still dry, and God said “You and your family and all the animals can leave the ark now.” And Noah realised that waiting for God to tell him when to leave was a much better way to find out if the water had all gone, instead of risking 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves. And then God said “Lo, incest is a bit gross, but have at it with your family for a while, just to get your numbers up”. And verily, this made Noah’s son Ham much happier than it should have, for he was a shifty bugger.
Gn 8:18-19And so Noah and his family and all the animals left the ark. And they looked around and realised that the top of a remote mountain was a silly place for an ark to stop when it’s carrying the only living things on the planet, and Noah wished that God had stopped it next to his old house instead, but on the plus side he was glad he wasn’t an emperor penguin.
Gn 8:20And Noah decided to give thanks to God, so he built an altar, and sacrificed one of every bird and one of every clean beast. And, if you think about it, killing and burning 14% of the earth’s entire population of birds and 14% of the earth’s entire population of clean beasts is the perfect way to thank someone who just made you build a ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo so he could kill everything on the planet except you and your family and all the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes such that now you have to get some incest going with your family.
Gn 8:21-22And God smelled Noah’s huge BBQ, and the smell was so good he thought to himself, “You know what, I will never again use a worldwide flood to kill everything on the planet except whales and fish and seagulls and herpes. I’ll stick to localised tsunamis that only kill a few million, and pandemics that only kill a third of the world’s population. Not because it’s a shït thing to do, mind you, but because humans can’t help being ärseholes, which is kind of my fault, when you think about it, because I made them.”