The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

Tim reviews… The Bachelor!

OK so I’ve started like 1,000 posts on reeeeeally smart topics, but I never seem to finish them because I’m not very smart, so I decided to just review an episode of the US Bachelor instead. We’re already up to Episode 3 though so I’ll have to catch you up.

The plot… Arie Luyendykzxyk is some kind of Camry racing car driver who has never won a race because he races in a Camry and who is famous for being rejected on national TV by a Disney princess named Heaps White and has now decided that he should be the one doing the rejecting on national TV so he jumped in his Camry and drove to California in a totally genuine attempt to find love with a group of normal fame-averse people who love Camry drivers.

The cast…

  • CamArie… the hero of our story, who is really cool cos he races CamAries and looks like John Travolta.
  • Bibiana… one of our villainous villains, whose parents created her name out of thin air by combining their favourite book (Bible) with their favourite state (Indiana). Apparently they almost named her Koranacheussets, but then they decided they didn’t really care for Boston.
  • KrystalMeth… another villainous villain, who is fun at first but ends up making your teeth fall out.
  • Androgynous extras… a group of 23 other people named Lauren who will generally not feature unless they get reeeeeally drunk or burn their boob on a waffle iron or get in a fight with Koranacheussets or KrystalMeth.

OK… Episode 3… let’s do this.

We begin with the entire cast sitting casually in the lounge room, because obviously it’s California and no one would dare go and sit outside or swim in the pool. The previous episode’s antagonists, Koranacheussets and KrystalMeth, have decided to sit next to each other because the producers made them. KrystalMeth says that it’s the Bachelor, so toes are going to get stepped on, which makes her choice of open-toed slippers somewhat silly.

Chris Harrison appears like magic looking exactly the same as he did 15 years ago. He reminds the cast that the first rule of Bachie is you talk about Bachie, or rather, to Bachie, at every possible opportunity, because #timeisprecious. This week there will be two “very fun” group dates, and one romantic one-on-one date. An audible gasp makes it way around the room, which was either due to surprise or a simultaneous and spontaneous tightening of sphincters.

“You know they say,” says Chris, “that behind every good man are a loving home, a good education, and a decent socio-economic background. And also a very strong woman.” The women agree wholeheartedly, blissfully unaware of the apparent corollary, that behind every very bad man is a weak woman who nags a lot and is crap at Instagram. “And we’re about to put that to the test today,” he concludes. Which I’m guessing means some kind of spelling bee or fight to the death. The date card is read out, and what do you know, the people attending are eight nobodies, Koranacheussets and KrystalMeth, which is a surprise to everyone.

They arrive at the venue to discover that the date is… WRESTLING. Because every woman wants to wrestle another woman in front of a huge crowd on date with a Camry driver. CamArie appears to much ovulation, as do the instructors, two women from GLOW, the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling, and no, I am not making this up. The first move the GLOWs teach them is the extremely deadly and impossible to defend forward roll, which is of course how Conor MacGregor has won most of his fights.

Four amazing things then happen in quick succession. First CamArie tells us he’s looking for someone who is going to have fun with wrestling another woman in front of a huge crowd on date with a Camry driver. Then, amazingly, the women start having fun. Then the GLOWs tell the women they’re having too much fun. Then one of the GLOWs decides she wants to have fun herself, so she makes her own fun, out of Koranacheussets’ name, by saying it doesn’t even make sense. Koranacheussets could have of course explained that it makes complete sense because favourite books and favourite states are totally a thing, but she’s too upset so she doesn’t.

One of the women, who is probably named Lauren, then has her haired pulled by one of the GLOWs, and even I’m starting to think that this is getting a little weird. CamArie, being the totally good man that is looking for a strong woman to stand behind him, says nothing on these developments, and instead begins wondering whether he is actually a good man, given that it requires a strong woman standing behind him, and he is currently single and making women wrestle each other in front of a large crowd on a date with a Camry driver. All of this is just too much for Koranacheussets and WOPNAL (Woman Probably Named Lauren), who both exit the ring to have a long hard look at themselves, and think about why they are crap people and not having fun wrestling another woman in front of a huge crowd on date with a Camry driver.

But look, perhaps I’m being too hard on CamArie. In his defence, he does wait around until WOPNAL and Koranacheussets have spent 20 minutes composing themselves and re-entered the ring, before going over and telling them that hey, he feels uncomfortable too, because it’s really hard having 10 woman wrestle for your affections.

It’s then time for the women to go and choose their costumes, and as Guns ‘n’ Roses would say, get in the ring. The fights themselves are boring, in that no one was injured, and the producers somehow forgot to make KrystalMeth and Koranacheussets fight to the death.

As a reward for the enforced humiliation, CamArie takes all the ladies to an actual trailer park, which seems oddly appropriate. Within seconds of arriving, KrystalMeth has whisked CamArie away to a romantic trailer within earshot of everyone else, where CamArie tries to prevent her from talking with his patented Face-Grab Mouth-Trap (TM) kissing technique. Like so:

FACE GRAB!

This works for a while, until KrystalMeth asks him whether she needs to “Be… aggressive… Be, be aggressive” on group dates. She then says she wants to make sure she doesn’t get lost, which admittedly can happen when being followed by 20 cameras on a reality TV show.

Then of course it’s Koranacheussets’ turn, and she tells CamArie that group dates are intense. At this point CamArie should really have pointed out that they’re not in tents at all, they’re in trailers, but he is also apparently too stupid to know the difference.

CamArie then takes the WOPNAL that had her hair pulled into a very nice trailer indeed, where he lovingly tells her, “When I saw you were upset, I was like, oh that’s interesting.” That is a word for word quote, by the way, proving once again that he is indeed an already good man who needs a very strong woman behind him even though he can’t be a good man yet because he doesn’t have a strong woman behind him. “You know,” he continues, “I’d like you to tell me when you’re upset, because then I can make you feel better, and that makes me feel like a man.” Also an actual quote. Hmm.

At this point it’s painfully obvious that all CamArie wants to do is Face-Grab Mouth-Trap (TM) the crap out of her, which he does, because he made her feel better, so he’s a man, and that’s what men get to do when they make people feel better. So he does.

FACE GRAB!

Back at the mansion, someone named Lauren was just selected for the one-on-one date, with a card that says, “You had me at merlot.” Seriously.

CamArie is now in a trailer with someone who looks suspiciously like Rizzo from Grease, which, given his uncanny resemblance to John Travolta, makes for a fascinating sub-plot. In any event, CamArie’s hands are starting to feel weird, so he needs to do something with them, like grab yet another woman’s face.

FACE GRAB!

CamArie is quickly turning into Kisstopher Columbus, discoverer of the New World. And Lipstenstein. Rizzo then gets the rose, which will make both Kenickie and Sandy very upset.

It’s now time for the one-on-one… you know, the one where Lauren “had him at merlot”. Which means, as Lauren says in a sudden blaze of intuition, that it might have something to do with wine. Once they arrive at the winery, CamArie observes that “I could totally see myself here”, which is amazing, because he is there. I LOVE THIS SHOW. The rest of the date is equally amazing for two reasons. Firstly, Lauren is talking NON-STOP. Secondly, CamArie is actually eating his dinner, WHICH NEVER HAPPENS. The obvious conclusion is that he would rather grab his fork than Lauren’s constantly-talking face, which means that things are not looking good for Lauren. The nail in the coffin is when CamArie asks what was missing in her last relationship, and just as she replies that it was a lack of romance, CamArie shovels in a mouthful of beans. And we all know what beans means. And if you don’t know what beans means, you at least know that it doesn’t mean a rose. Lauren goes home, and her biggest regret is probably talking too much, because now she is hungry as well as single. Not CamArie though, he goes home full of beans. (see what I did there?) A mysterious man arrives at Bachie central to remove her bag in front of all her friends, and, just like that, she is gone forever, or at least until the next season of Bachelor in Paradise.

It’s time for the second group date now, and the good news is that this one just involves dogs. Sorry I mean competing with dogs on stage in front of a huge audience, which is totally chill. The bad news is that one of the Laurens, whose name is Annaliese, had a very traumatic experience with a dog when she was a baby. In an amazing coincidence, the Bachelor film crew were there to capture the moment:

100% actual footage of dog trauma

The actual date involves the women trying to get the dogs to do things on stage. Which is exactly as boring as it sounds, so we pretty much move straight to the cocktail party. Chelsea notes that “It was tough to be around dogs in a playground setting”, and that she “adores the person that she has become”. CamArie responds that “Sometimes, it really feels good to reflect”, which is either the world’s most scathing put-down, or a confession that he wants to be a mirror. Either way, she appears to not be worthy of having her face grabbed. I’ll tell you who is worthy though… the next woman he talks to, whose name is probably Lauren. And the next woman he talks to, whose name is also probably Lauren. But not the next one, who he tells “This whole thing is difficult, you know what I mean?”. To which she obviously replies, “No CamArie, I do not know what you mean. Is that even English?”. Another Lauren then arrives to ask if she can interrupt, and, honestly, I haven’t seen CamArie this happy since he grabbed Lauren’s face two minutes ago. He then makes himself feel better by grabbing the next Lauren’s face and eating it. And the next Lauren’s face. And no, I’m not exaggerating. I think he’s kissed like 8 people tonight, which is totally the whole point of this show. #kisstophercolumbus

And now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for… the rose ceremony. CamArie arrives in his Camry, which looks suspiciously like a Mercedes. AND OMG THERE IS SUDDENLY A GORGEOUS WOMAN THERE WHOSE NAME IS SIENNE AND NOT LAUREN. But there’s no time for that because Koranacheusettes has prepared a romantic nighttime day bed and telescope to woo CamArie into astronomy and a Face-Grab Mouth-Trap (TM). The Bachie Gods are geniuses, however, so of course at that precise moment, someone (actually) called Lauren drags CamArie outside, where they miraculously discover the nighttime day bed and telescope, which provides all the romance and astronomy needed to initiate a full-blown Face-Grab Mouth-Trap (TM). In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, Koranacheussets decides to head outside at that very moment to see what’s going on, and is told to come back in five minutes. She then says, and I am not joking, that “The struggle is real.” I LOVE THIS SHOW.

Needless to say, Rizzo gets a turn on the astronomy nighttime day bed too, where CamArie asks her, “Where do you come from?”. Rizzo replies that, when two people really love each other, they get drunk and go to their trailer and grab each other’s faeces. Oh sorry I meant faces. Typing is not my strong suite. (that one was on porpoise)

The Lauren who had her hair pulled, whose name is now Tia, is now eating CamArie’s face. Or he’s eating hers, it’s difficult to tell. What is NOT difficult to tell is that Koranacheussets has still not been on her own nighttime day bed and used her telescope. And OH CRAP Annaliesesese just basically asked for a kiss and was turned down, which I literally did not think was possible for CamArie. Aaaaaaand then two minutes later he’s grabbing face with someone else probably called Lauren. Poor Annaliesesese eventually asks for a kiss and is told to go home. Such is the power of strong men who race Camrys for a living.

The rose ceremony arrives and, mercifully, it’s Koranacheussets who is going home. This seems a little strange, in that she has not yet fought to the death with KrystalMeth, so I think the producers must be drunk. In any event, she finally retires to her nighttime daybed and uses her telescope to gaze into the endless abyss of space, and contemplate why she apparently wasn’t good enough to have her face grabbed by a guy who races Camrys.

The end.

Category: Asinine, Tim Reviews

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One Response

  1. Gregory says:

    Next time could you grab the remote to off the TV and go outside to either look at the stars or drive a Camry.

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