Gn 3:1Now, for some reason there was a snake in the garden, and he was the most cunning animal god had made, which, when combined with Adam and Woman being not only a bit slow, but having easy access to the world’s most dangerous fruit, sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I’m sure everything will work out OK. And the snake said to Woman, “Has god said you can eat every fruit in the garden?”
Gn 3:2-3And Woman replied, “Well it was all a little confusing, because he said we can eat every fruit in the garden, but then he said we’ll die if we eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, which may mean we’re not allowed to eat from it, or it may mean we can eat from it as long as we sign some kind of waiver acknowledging the consequences, not that we know what the consequences are, because he didn’t explain what ‘death’ actually is. And he didn’t tell us not to eat from the Tree of Life, which seems odd, because knowledge of good and evil sounds kind of lame compared to eternal life, whatever that is. But yeah, if we eat or touch the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, we’ll die. God was very clear on that point. Eating the fruit means we’ll die straight away.”
Gn 3:4-5And the serpent said, “God is trolling you! You won’t die, your eyes will be opened, and you will have knowledge of good and evil.” And Woman saw that the snake was indeed cunning, because he had figured that all out just from the tree’s name.
Gn 3:6And Woman looked at the fruit, and thought it looked no worse than all the other fruit she’d been eating, and would impart some kind of knowledge that she had no use for, so she ate it. And then Adam walked over to complain about his missing rib again, but Woman stopped him, and said, “In a minute Adam, dinner is ready.” And Adam ate the food his wife gave him gratefully and without mentioning that not only did it look a little dry, but they had fruit for dinner last night as well, which would be silly things for a husband to say to his wife, even back then. Even more so, actually, since Woman was the only woman on the planet, and masturbation hadn’t been invented yet.
Gn 3:7And verily, just as god had said, they dropped dead right then and there, if you let me change the meaning of “dead” briefly to mean “the opposite of dead”. For they did not die, and their eyes were opened and they had knowledge of good and evil, just as the snake had predicted, but they also realised they were naked, which I don’t think anyone saw coming. And, lo, Woman cried out “Oh my god, I’m naked!”, and Adam cried out “Oh my god, that chick’s naked!” So they grabbed some fig leaves, and pulled some needles and thread off the Tree of Needles and Thread, and made themselves some undies. And, now that I think about it, that means they also instantaneously learned how to sew, and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil should probably have been called The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing. And Nudity. Anyway, when they had finished, Woman said to Adam, “Does my bum look big in this?”, and Adam said “No” because that sounded like the right answer, but Woman didn’t believe him, so she tried on another 15 sets of fig leaf undies, before finally settling on the ones she had tried on first.
Gn 3:8And then they heard god walking around the garden, so they hid themselves, because they were embarrassed about being naked in front of all those people that didn’t exist.
Gn 3:9And god called out to Adam, saying “Adaaaaaaaaam! Where art thou?” Gn 3:10-11And Adam seemed to not understand the concept of hide and seek, for he jumped up immediately and said “OVER HERE!” And god said, “Why were you hiding?” And Adam said, “I was afraid because I was naked, even though I have the biggest penis in the world, so I hid myself.” And god said, “OK, let me get this straight. I told you if you ate some fruit it would kill you, so you ate it, then because you realised you were naked you hid from the person who actually created all the hiding spots, even though you weren’t naked because you had just put on some undies, and then you gave away your hiding spot at the first opportunity. Is that about right?” And Adam felt ashamed, and a little bit stupid, and said “Well when you put it that way…” But then Woman stepped forward, and said unto god, “Um, god… I have a question. You wanted us to do good, but we did evil, right?” And god said, “You sure did.” And Woman said, “OK. So here’s my question. How were we supposed to know what was good and evil before we had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?” And god went quiet, and several minutes of awkward silence went by, before Woman said, “God?” And god replied, “In a minute, Woman! I’m thinking.” And after another 426 minutes god shrugged his shoulders and said, “Whatever. Adam – why did you do this?”
Gn 3:12And Adam shouted “WOMAN MADE ME!”, because, apparently, he was a jerk.
Gn 3:13And god said unto Woman, “Sorry I made Adam such a back-stabbing nark, but, is this true?” And Woman said, “Verily, I was tricked by that really cunning animal that can speak without vocal chords.”
Gn 3:14And god turned to the snake and said, “Right, Snake, because you told the truth about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing and Nudity, you will be struck down with the most severe punishments I can muster. Not only will you have to move around in the same way you always have, Gn 3:15but I will make your kids and Woman’s kids dislike each other, and her kids won’t invite your kids to birthday parties, and vice versa, and her kids will step on your kids’ heads, and your kids will bruise her kids’ heels. So I guess your kids will have to wear helmets or something.” And the snake looked confused, and said “Helmets? What are you talking about?” And god said, “Well, her kids are going to be stepping on your kids’ heads, but your kids’ heads are pretty soft, so they’ll need to wear helmets if they want to bruise her kids’ heels.” And the snake said, “That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard”, which means a lot coming from the most cunning animal god had created.
Gn 3:16And unto Woman he said, “I was going to give your womb a zipper to facilitate childbirth, but because you were naughty, you will have to push babies out your vagina instead. You will also find Adam attractive, and he is the boss of you. Don’t look at me like that, you had this coming.”
Gn 3:17And then finally he turned to Adam and said, “Dude. You listened to your wife. What were you thinking? I will now announce some rather random punishments that are just as bad as pushing a baby out your vagina. You will have a frowny face as you eat dinner, Gn 3:18and thistles will grow out of the ground, and you’ll have to eat herbs, Gn 3:19and eating bread will make you sweaty.”
Gn 3:20And Adam thought it was about time he gave Woman a name, so he called her Eve, because she was the mother of all living, except of course Adam and Eve, who were the only ones living.
Gn 3:21And Adam said, “God, these undies are a bit drafty, can you make us some clothes?” And so god called forth the mink, and said unto her, “I need to borrow one of your babies.” And out of the baby mink he made two pretty awesome fur coats, which sounds implausible, but was a lot easier than making a whole person out of a single rib.
Gn 3:22And then god said, “Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil and sewing and nudity.” And Adam said, “Us? What do you mean us?!” But god ignored him, and said “Now, lest he eat from the Tree of Life, and live forever, Gn 3:23I will kick him out so he can go and till the ground in his awesome fur coat, like some kind of ancient agrarian pimp.”
Gn 3:24So he drove the man out of the garden, in a rickshaw probably, and in Eden he placed Cherubims and a flaming sword which turned every way, to protect the Tree of Life. And if you follow my earlier directions to Eden, you will find the Cherubims and the flaming sword, for I’m not making any of this stuff up, I pronise.
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