The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

GBAV – Genesis 9

In which we learn that it’s apparently OK to have sex with your family, but don’t ever, ever accidentally see your dad naked.

Gn 9:1-3And God blessed Noah and his sons, and he said to them “Go and re-populate the earth. And because I killed everyone, that means you have to have sex with your family. Sorry about that. But on the plus side, all the animals will now be terrified of you, probably because you just killed a lot of them in that tasty, tasty BBQ from Chapter 8. So you can kill and eat anything that lives and moves about, except your family of course, because you have to have sex with them. Sorry about that.

Gn 9:4-5“Actually, now that I’m thinking about this a bit more, best not to eat anything that still has blood in it.

Gn 9:6-7“Also, whoever sheds human blood, then by humans shall their blood be shed. I think this is a good, unambiguous rule, and I can’t see any loopholes – periods. But anyway, go and have sex with your family. Sorry about that.

Gn 9:8-11“And I will make you a deal. Never again will I kill everyone in a worldwide flood. But I reserve the right to kill most of you with a flood, or kill all of you by some other means, like making Donald Trump president.

Gn 9:12-17And lo, I will use rainbows as a symbol of my promise. Every time I see a rainbow, I will remember not to kill you all with a worldwide flood, because I will probably forget otherwise. And every time you see a rainbow, you will remember that I love you so much that I won’t kill you all with a worldwide flood. Again.”

Gn 9:18-19The sons of Noah were Shem, Ham and Japheth (Ham was a shifty bugger). And after a bit of adultery and incest, they populated the whole earth.

Gn 9:20-22Noah needed some beer goggles for incest, however, so as soon as he got off the ark he went and planted some pinot noir. And then he got blind drunk, and passed out naked in his tent, which makes Noah the most awesome 600-year-old in history. And then Ham the shifty bugger walked in to Noah’s tent, and saw his father naked, which can’t be a good experience for anyone (no offence, Dad). So he did what most of us would have done, and ran outside to tell everyone.

Gn 9:23-24But Shem and Ham weren’t really interested in seeing their father naked, so they walked into his tent backwards and covered his naughty bits. And then Noah woke up in a really bad mood, probably because he had a raging hangover, and he realised he had to have sex with his family, but mostly because Ham had seen his naughty bits.

Gn 9:25-27“Screw you, Ham!” he said “You will be a slave to your brothers! And I will make Japheth fat, and he can live in Shem’s tent!”. And Shem said “But Japheth has his own tent”. And Noah told him to be quiet.

Gn 9:28And Noah spent the next 350 years getting drunk and passing out naked and cursing anyone who accidentally saw his naughty bits. And then he died. Probably because he had liver failure, and skin cancer on his naughty bits.

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<< Genesis 8 | Genesis 10 >>

GBAV – Genesis 8

In which all the flood water goes away, and Noah realises he now has to have sex with his family.

Gn 8:1And God found that waiting for everything on earth to drown was a little boring, so he went and did something else for while. But then he remembered Noah and his family and all the animals on the ark, and he thought he should probably help them out a bit. So he released his divine wind, and lo, his divine wind blew all the water away, and also warmed everything up a bit.

Gn 8:2-4And it stopped raining, and the water started disappearing, but we’re not sure where it went. And after 150 days, in the seventh month, God’s divine wind blew away enough water for the ark to come to rest on Mt Ararat. And if you don’t believe this story, you can find the remains of the ark there, I promise.

Gn 8:5-7And in the tenth month, the tops of the mountains were seen, except for Mt Ararat of course, which, as I just said, had been seen three months previously. And lo, the ark was pretty smelly by this stage, because Noah had only built one window (seriously). So he opened the one window he had made, and just for shïts and giggles he decided to send 14% of the earth’s entire population of ravens out the window. And that one raven didn’t really have anywhere to land, so it just flew around in circles for a while.

Gn 8:8-9And lo, Noah needed to know when the water had all gone, so he could leave the smelly ark, and even though he was on top of a mountain with great views, and was on speaking terms with the all-powerful creator of the universe, he thought the best way to find out was to send 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves out the window. But the dove couldn’t find anything to land on, so she returned to the ark muttering something that sounded suspiciously like “Why can’t you send a frikken pigeon”.

Gn 8:12But seven days later Noah still couldn’t be bothered using his eyes or asking God about the water situation, so he sent 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves out again to see if the water had all gone, and this time she returned with an olive leaf, which made Noah happy, because he knew the water had all gone, but also sad, because he would have preferred a mango. So after seven days Noah sent 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves out to find a mango, but the dove didn’t come back, probably because she was busy eating mangoes.

Gn 8:13And lo, in Noah’s 601st year, he opened up the ark and looked around, and he saw the earth was dry, and he realised that was a much better way to find out if the water had all gone, instead of risking 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves.

Gn 8:14-17And a month later the earth was still dry, and God said “You and your family and all the animals can leave the ark now.” And Noah realised that waiting for God to tell him when to leave was a much better way to find out if the water had all gone, instead of risking 14% of the earth’s entire population of doves. And then God said “Lo, incest is a bit gross, but have at it with your family for a while, just to get your numbers up”. And verily, this made Noah’s son Ham much happier than it should have, for he was a shifty bugger.

Gn 8:18-19And so Noah and his family and all the animals left the ark. And they looked around and realised that the top of a remote mountain was a silly place for an ark to stop when it’s carrying the only living things on the planet, and Noah wished that God had stopped it next to his old house instead, but on the plus side he was glad he wasn’t an emperor penguin.

Gn 8:20And Noah decided to give thanks to God, so he built an altar, and sacrificed one of every bird and one of every clean beast. And, if you think about it, killing and burning 14% of the earth’s entire population of birds and 14% of the earth’s entire population of clean beasts is the perfect way to thank someone who just made you build a ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo so he could kill everything on the planet except you and your family and all the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes such that now you have to get some incest going with your family.

Gn 8:21-22And God smelled Noah’s huge BBQ, and the smell was so good he thought to himself, “You know what, I will never again use a worldwide flood to kill everything on the planet except whales and fish and seagulls and herpes. I’ll stick to localised tsunamis that only kill a few million, and pandemics that only kill a third of the world’s population. Not because it’s a shït thing to do, mind you, but because humans can’t help being ärseholes, which is kind of my fault, when you think about it, because I made them.”
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<< Genesis 7 | Genesis 9 >>

GBAV – Genesis 7

In which God makes it rain, but not in a strip club kind of way.

Gn 7:1And the Lord said to Noah, “Bring yourself and your family into your ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo, because you are a really nice guy, and I want to kill everyone on the planet in the most convoluted way possible.

Gn 7:2-3Then grab yourself seven of every clean beast, and two of every unclean beast, and seven of every bird, and put them in your ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo.” And Noah said, “I wish you’d told me that earlier, because in the last chapter you said to just grab two of everything, but now I have to collect an extra five of every clean beast on the planet, and I don’t have enough room, you muppet. Also, do we really need seven of every bird? It’s hard enough catching two.” And God said, “Stop being a whinger.” And Noah asked, “How do I know which beast is clean and which is unclean?” And God said, “I’ll tell you in Leviticus.” And Noah said, “Will the rules be hard to follow?” And God said, “No it will be really easy, and not at all ambiguous, and I will declare all your favourite foods clean.” And this made Noah happy, for he really loved bacon and lobster.

Gn 7:4And the Lord said, “Next week, I will make it rain like Lil’ Wayne, and I will kill every living thing that I have made. Except you and your family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.”

Gn 7:5And so Noah went all over planet collecting seven of everything clean and two of everything unclean and seven of every bird to put in his ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo so that God could destroy every living thing that he had created except for Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.

Gn 7:6And Noah was 600 years old when it started raining. Gn 7:7And Noah and his family boarded the ark. Gn 7:8-9And then all the clean and unclean animals and birds boarded the ark, except now there only seemed to be two of everything. Gn 7:10And seven days later it started raining.

Gn 7:11-12And Noah was (still) 600 years old when it started raining. Gn 7:13And Noah and his family boarded the ark (again). Gn 7:14-15And then all the clean and unclean animals and birds boarded the ark (again), except now there (still) seemed to be two of everything.

Gn 7:16And then God shut the door of the ark, because he hadn’t contributed at all so far, and, verily, it was the least he could do.

Gn 7:17And then it started raining (again), and the earth started flooding. Gn 7:18And the waters prevailed, and the earth continued flooding. Gn 7:19And the waters prevailed again, and the earth continued flooding. Gn 7:20And the waters prevailed some more, and the earth continued flooding until the water rose 6.8m above Mt Everest, because God wanted to kill everyone, and Ishmael Cohen was reeeeally tall, and a pretty good climber.

Gn 7:21-22And then everything on the earth died, except for Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes. Gn 7:23And then everything on the earth died (again), except for Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.

Gn 7:24And the waters prevailed again, for the last time, I promise.

GBAV – Genesis 6 Part 2

In which Noah was just asked to build a ridiculously implausible oceanic zoo so God could kill everything on the planet except for Noah and his family and all the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes. Understandably, he had some questions.

“Understandably, I have some questions,” said Noah.

“Fire away,” said God.

“Why don’t you just kill everyone by clicking your fingers?”

“Oh if I do it this way it will be heaps more believable.”

“Hmmm,” said Noah. “Do you realise this will take about 200 years? Can you give me an engineering degree? And can you teach me carpentry? And shipbuilding? And navigation? And fluid dynamics? Can you make me a chainsaw? And a crane? And a logging truck? And a timber mill? And a circular saw? And some safety goggles?

“Do I really have to collect two of everything? Emperor penguins are cool I guess, but Antarctica is ages away. And what about kangaroos, and fire ants, and king cobras, and benobos? Do I have to collect all 1,000 species of bat? Do I have to collect animals that won’t be killed by the flood, like salt-water crocodiles and seagulls? How do you expect me to catch not one but two lions? How do I build a water-filled enclosure for the hippos? How will the giraffes get through the front door? Where on earth, literally, will I get all the food to feed these things? How am I supposed to feed the anteaters if I only have two ants to work with? What will I do with all the animal shït? Can I get a plastic container for the termites?

“How are you going to stop all the water from flowing over the edge of the earth? How will you kill all the other people who have boats? What will happen to the polar ice caps? What if we hit an iceberg? How will I maintain a safe weight distribution as we use up all the food? Can you make me some boat shoes? And a shuffle board set? Do we all have to say aye-aye? And what if someone doesn’t say aye-aye back? Does there have to be an aye-aye for an aye-aye? Can you lift the ban on masturbation? Can we have some toilet paper? Will you be providing linen?

“What happens when all the water recedes? What are the cows going to eat given all the grass will be dead? And what are we going to eat, given there will only be two cows, and you killed all the vegetables? What if the lions eat the zebras? Will I have to bury all the dead people? How will you restore the ocean’s salinity? How will the kangaroos get back to Australia?”

“Enough, Noah!” yelled God. “I get it! It’s a stupid idea. But we’re doing it anyway.”

“Well, in that case,” said Noah, “Can I also get some tweezers? Splinters are gonna be a bïtch.”
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<< Genesis 6 Part 1

Bless me reader, for I have sinned…

..it’s been two years since my last GBAV post.

For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, a few years ago I decided to re-write the Bible. Book by book, chapter by chapter, and verse by verse, I would create the Good Bad Asinine Version (GBAV), just for you. However, being lazy, and having a short attention span – OMG that dog has a puffy tail! – and the Bible being as tediously repetitive as it is contradictory, I only made it as far as Genesis 6.

My fellow blogger Chris, however, is not lazy, has an annoyingly long attention span, and has been bugging me to get my ärse in gear for quite some time. So that’s what I’m going to do. Until I get distracted, of course, in which case Chris will probably just take over. Which, let’s face it, would be better for us all anyway.

In case you missed it, here is the story so far:

  1. Genesis 1, in which god makes everything, in the most boring way he could imagine.
  2. Genesis 2, in which god makes almost everything all over again but in a different order, and pretty much invents sexism.
  3. Genesis 3, in which Adam is embarrassed to be naked, even though he has the biggest penis in the world, and Eve fücks it all up for the rest of us.
  4. Genesis 4, in which humankind quickly gets over their fear of being naked, and decides to give incest and fratricide a try.
  5. Genesis 5, in which God makes his first spreadsheet.
  6. Genesis 6 Part 1, in which God shows that he can be a colossal prick, by deciding to kill everyone and everything on the planet. Except Noah and his family and the animals on the ark and whales and fish and seagulls and herpes.

Genesis 6 Part 2 will follow shortly.

Enjoy!

GBAV – Genesis 6 Part 1

Gn 6:1And it came to pass that men began to multiply, and possibly add and subtract and divide. And they had daughters, Gn 6:2and some of the daughters were hot, so men grabbed all the hot daughters they could carry, and married them.

Gn 6:3In a completely unrelated matter, god decided that letting people live to 700 was maybe not such a good idea, for there was a lot of adultery due to the 700 year itch, and actuarial reserving was becoming increasingly difficult. And lo, he set an age limit of 120, which was a little redundant since life expectancy soon plummeted to about 40.

Gn 6:4In another completely unrelated matter, giants roamed the earth in those days, and some of them were six feet tall! And women had babies with them, and one of their giant babies, Andre, went on to have a mildly successful film career.

Gn 6:5So, where was I? Oh yeah, men marrying each other’s daughters. Around this time god realised if you make everyone marry their relatives and then give them 700 years to think about it, they tend to not turn out so well. Gn 6:6And god regretted making man, and wished he had invented Lego instead. Gn 6:7So he sat down to think about what he should do about it. And lo, he considered giving them another chance, and a little more moral guidance. He even considered just lightening up a little. But in the end he thought he should probably just kill everyone. So he turned his attention to figuring out how best to destroy every living thing on the planet in the most convoluted way possible. Gn 6:8-10Well, every living thing on the planet except Noah and his wife, and his sons and their wives, for apparently they were the only good ones. Which was quite a lucky coincidence, really, having all the good ones in the same family.

Gn 6:11For lo, the earth was corrupt, and filled with violence, Gn 6:12and god looked upon the earth and saw that it was corrupt, and filled with violence. Which means god’s eyesight was pretty good, for the earth was indeed corrupt, and filled with violence. Gn 6:13And god said unto Noah, “The earth is corrupt, and filled with violence”. And Noah said, “The earth is corrupt, and filled with violence?” And god said, “Yes, Noah, corrupt, and filled with violence. So I am going to destroy it in the most convoluted way possible.”

Gn 6:14“Really?” asked Noah. “You’re going to give everyone a lifetime supply of deodorant, and although everyone will smell nice, over the course of 500 years the chlorofluorocarbon propellant will create a hole in the ozone layer, and eventually everyone will get skin cancer and die?” “Oh no,” replied god, “I’m going to cover the earth in water and drown everyone. So go and make a boat out of gopher wood. And don’t forget to pitch it with pitch.” And Noah asked, “Pitch it with pitch?” And god said, “Yes, pitch it with pitch.” And Noah asked, “What if I want to seal it with seals instead?” And god said, “Don’t be silly.”

Gn 6:15And lo, god then got down to the nitty gritty, and said “The boat should be quite big. I’m thinking, oh I don’t know, roughly one-third of the size of the Titanic, but harder to sink, obviously. Let’s say 300 x 50 x 30 cubits.” And Noah was confused, for he wasn’t sure if God had said ‘qubits‘ or ‘cubits’, and it was a fairly important distinction. And lo, if you understand that joke, then, verily, you are a nerd.

Gn 6:16And god said, “Put a window in the ark, and a door in the side, and three levels, and lots and lots of animal cages, and a gaming lounge, and three restaurants, and a waterslide. And I’d recommend a toilet, but I’ll leave that up to you.” And Noah said, “Hang on… that doesn’t sound right. I can only put in one window?”

Gn 6:17-21But god ignored him, and said “And I’m going to make it piss down, and drown every living thing. Except you guys, of course, cos you’ll be on the boat, and two of every animal on the planet, cos they’ll be on the boat too.” And Noah started to wish that he was one of the ones being drowned.

Gn 6:22But Noah kept his composure, and said “I will do as you ask, god, but first, I have a few questions…”
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<< Genesis 5 | Genesis 6 Part 2 >>

GBAV – Genesis 5

Gn 5:1-2This is the book the descendents of Adam, summarised into a handy table so you can print it out and impress your friends.

Gn 5:3-32
Genesis 5

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<< Genesis 4 | Genesis 6 >>

GBAV – Genesis 4

Gn 4:1And Adam knew his wife, which is kind of obvious. I mean, of course he knew her – she was made out of one of his ribs, for god’s sake. And he had cleaved unto her, and they had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing and Nudity together, and they had matching mink coats, and… oh… wait, I see what you mean. You mean his penis knew her vagina! Right. So, Adam knew his wife, in the biblical sense, and Eve became pregnant, and had a son, and said “Behold! I have gotten a man from the lord. Hopefully he’s a hottie, for it will make incest with his sisters much easier.”

Gn 4:2And Adam knew his wife again, in the biblical sense, and she had another son, Abel. And the time came for Cain and Abel to choose their careers, so they went to their careers adviser, Derek, who is one of the lesser known Biblical characters, and will probably be cut from the final editionNote 1. And Derek said unto Cain, “Lo, what sort of jobs do you like?” And Cain said, “Behold! I like the outdoors.” And Derek said, “Lo, can you be more specific? All the jobs are outdoors.” And Cain said, “Behold! I like hard, physical work that benefits my community and fulfills the instructions that god gave my parents when he kicked them out of Eden.” And Derek said, “Lo, you should be a tiller of the earth.” And so Cain went off and began tilling the earth in the name of god, and he was so happy he wrote a song about it, called “Tilling In The Name Of (God)”, which contains the now famous refrain “Bless you I will do what you tell me”. And then came Abel’s turn, and Derek said unto Abel, “Lo, what sort of jobs do you like?” And Abel said, “Behold! I am lazy, and wish to stand around all day working on my tan.” And Derek said, “Lo, you should be a shepherd.” And it was so.

Gn 4:3And it came to pass that Cain grew some fruit. And he said unto himself, “Hang on… rather than use this fruit to provide nutrition for our fledgling species, I should give it to an omnipotent being who doesn’t eat and already has a shitload of fruit in his own garden.” And it was so.

Gn 4:4And Abel saw what Cain had done, and realised that the one thing that god didn’t have was lamb burgers, so he went out and killed one of his lambs, and marinated it overnight in rosemary and garlic, and then pan fried it and served it with a glass of red wine, for he was a red wine Jew. And god tasted the lamb burger, and said “Holy shitballs, Abel… that’s lambtastic.”

Gn 4:5But then god saw Cain’s fruit, and although it complied with his instructions when he kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden and took years of back-breaking labour to produce, and even though Abel didn’t really do anything except let his sheep have sex, god realised that he had plenty of fruit already, and Cain had put little stickers on the fruit, which he found really annoying to peel off. So he gave Cain a dirty look, which made Cain sooky. Quite understandably, in my opinion. But lo, I am not here to judge.

Gn 4:6-7And the lord said unto Cain, “Why so sooky? If you do well, won’t I accept you? And if you don’t do well, sin lies at your door. And sin will desire you, and you will rule over him.” And Cain said “Wait, what? Are you drunk? What does that mean? And why did you not accept me, even though I did do well?”

Gn 4:8But god seems to have not answered, for the next thing we know, Cain and Abel are out in the fields together, and Cain felt aggrieved enough to rise up and murder his brother. And, when you think about it, that means he murdered a quarter of the world’s population at the time (not including Derek, of course). So basically Cain’s offence was the modern equivalent of killing just under 2 billion people, all because someone put fingerprints on his iPad.

Gn 4:9And I guess Cain went off and buried Abel somewhere, for god walked up and said, “Cain, where is Abel thy brother?” And Cain replied, “Don’t you know?” And god said, “Of course I don’t know. I am god, and I don’t need to have sex like you guys.” And Cain said, “No, I meant, don’t you know, in the non-biblical sense.” And god said, “Oh, yes, of course I know in the non-biblical sense. I always ask questions I know the answer to in the non-biblical sense. It adds to the drama. Please play along.” And Cain said, “Well in that case I don’t know where Abel is in the non-biblical sense. Am I his keeper?”

Gn 4:10And god said, “What have you done? Yes, yes I know the answer, Cain. Please be quiet. Your brother’s blood cries out to me from the ground. NO CAIN, NOT LITERALLY! Gn 4:11You are now cursed from the earth, Gn 4:12and you won’t be… er… Abel to grow your fruit any more, which is a good thing, because no one likes it anyway. A vagabond shalt thou be!”

Gn 4:13And Cain said “WAAAAAAAAAAAH! Gn 4:14I’m a vagabond, and everyone who sees me will kill me.” And he sent god a text with a frowny face, like this 🙁

Gn 4:15And god said, “I don’t mean to be picky, but that’s not technically possible, for you can only be killed once. And you’re exaggerating a little, because the only other people alive are your parents. But I take your point, so how about this. Anyone who kills you will have vengeance taken on them… wait for it… sevenfold!” And Cain said, “But how would that work? You just said people can only be killed once.” And god said, “I am god, I can kill people as many times as I like.” And so god gave Cain a t-shirt that said “If you see this man, please don’t kill him even though he is a vagabond who murdered a quarter of the world’s population because I didn’t like his crappy fruit. Lots of love, god.” And on the back of the shirt god wrote “Need male friends. You’ll like me once you get to know me.”, without specifying whether he meant the non-biblical sense, and lo, god found his ambiguity hilarious.

Gn 4:16And for some reason Cain then went to sleep for a whileNote 2.

Gn 4:17And Cain managed to find a wife from somewhere. Probably at his parents’ house, living with the rest of his sisters. And Cain knew his sister wife, in the biblical sense, and she gave birth to their nephew son. And, lo, they called his name Enoch, and I’m pretty sure they called their actual son Enoch as well, because it’s confusing to give different names to your son and your son’s name. And then the next thing you know Cain built a whole frikken city, which is pretty impressive, but tax revenue was low on account of the very high vacancy rate for inner-city rentals. And he called the name of the city Enoch, but it’s unclear if the city itself was called Enoch, or if the city’s name was named after Enoch or Enoch’s name, which was also called Enoch.

Gn 4:18-21And then Enoch begat a whole bunch of sons, one of which was Lamech, and Lamech took two wives, which seems a bit greedy if you ask me, but I’m not here to judge. And one of his wives had a son, Jabal, and he was the father of all who pick their nose left-handed. And Jabal’s brother’s name was Jubal, and he was the father of all who ride skateboards.

Gn 4:22And their cousin Tubalcain was a fitness instructor.

Gn 4:23-24And now we’re back to Lamech again, who seems to have killed an unspecified random, probably because he wanted more wives.

Gn 4:25And Adam knew his wife again, in the biblical sense, and they had a son, and they called their son and their son’s name Seth, which is Hebrew for “A son that god has given you to replace a son murdered by your other son”, and is a common enough occurrence to have its very own word.

Gn 4:26And Seth also had a son, and by that I mean Seth himself, not Seth’s name. And Seth called his son’s name Enos, and I don’t really need to make that joke again, so I won’t.

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Footnotes

  1. It is unclear who advised Derek to be a careers adviser – hence the expression, “Which came first, Derek or the careers adviser?” (back)
  2. The Land of Nod, apparently. (back)

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<< Genesis 3 | Genesis 5 >>

GBAV – Genesis 3

Gn 3:1Now, for some reason there was a snake in the garden, and he was the most cunning animal god had made, which, when combined with Adam and Woman being not only a bit slow, but having easy access to the world’s most dangerous fruit, sounds like a recipe for disaster. But I’m sure everything will work out OK. And the snake said to Woman, “Has god said you can eat every fruit in the garden?”

Gn 3:2-3And Woman replied, “Well it was all a little confusing, because he said we can eat every fruit in the garden, but then he said we’ll die if we eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, which may mean we’re not allowed to eat from it, or it may mean we can eat from it as long as we sign some kind of waiver acknowledging the consequences, not that we know what the consequences are, because he didn’t explain what ‘death’ actually is. And he didn’t tell us not to eat from the Tree of Life, which seems odd, because knowledge of good and evil sounds kind of lame compared to eternal life, whatever that is. But yeah, if we eat or touch the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, we’ll die. God was very clear on that point. Eating the fruit means we’ll die straight away.”

Gn 3:4-5And the serpent said, “God is trolling you! You won’t die, your eyes will be opened, and you will have knowledge of good and evil.” And Woman saw that the snake was indeed cunning, because he had figured that all out just from the tree’s name.

Gn 3:6And Woman looked at the fruit, and thought it looked no worse than all the other fruit she’d been eating, and would impart some kind of knowledge that she had no use for, so she ate it. And then Adam walked over to complain about his missing rib again, but Woman stopped him, and said, “In a minute Adam, dinner is ready.” And Adam ate the food his wife gave him gratefully and without mentioning that not only did it look a little dry, but they had fruit for dinner last night as well, which would be silly things for a husband to say to his wife, even back then. Even more so, actually, since Woman was the only woman on the planet, and masturbation hadn’t been invented yet.

Gn 3:7And verily, just as god had said, they dropped dead right then and there, if you let me change the meaning of “dead” briefly to mean “the opposite of dead”. For they did not die, and their eyes were opened and they had knowledge of good and evil, just as the snake had predicted, but they also realised they were naked, which I don’t think anyone saw coming. And, lo, Woman cried out “Oh my god, I’m naked!”, and Adam cried out “Oh my god, that chick’s naked!” So they grabbed some fig leaves, and pulled some needles and thread off the Tree of Needles and Thread, and made themselves some undies. And, now that I think about it, that means they also instantaneously learned how to sew, and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil should probably have been called The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing. And Nudity. Anyway, when they had finished, Woman said to Adam, “Does my bum look big in this?”, and Adam said “No” because that sounded like the right answer, but Woman didn’t believe him, so she tried on another 15 sets of fig leaf undies, before finally settling on the ones she had tried on first.

Gn 3:8And then they heard god walking around the garden, so they hid themselves, because they were embarrassed about being naked in front of all those people that didn’t exist.

Gn 3:9And god called out to Adam, saying “Adaaaaaaaaam! Where art thou?” Gn 3:10-11And Adam seemed to not understand the concept of hide and seek, for he jumped up immediately and said “OVER HERE!” And god said, “Why were you hiding?” And Adam said, “I was afraid because I was naked, even though I have the biggest penis in the world, so I hid myself.” And god said, “OK, let me get this straight. I told you if you ate some fruit it would kill you, so you ate it, then because you realised you were naked you hid from the person who actually created all the hiding spots, even though you weren’t naked because you had just put on some undies, and then you gave away your hiding spot at the first opportunity. Is that about right?” And Adam felt ashamed, and a little bit stupid, and said “Well when you put it that way…” But then Woman stepped forward, and said unto god, “Um, god… I have a question. You wanted us to do good, but we did evil, right?” And god said, “You sure did.” And Woman said, “OK. So here’s my question. How were we supposed to know what was good and evil before we had eaten from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil?” And god went quiet, and several minutes of awkward silence went by, before Woman said, “God?” And god replied, “In a minute, Woman! I’m thinking.” And after another 426 minutes god shrugged his shoulders and said, “Whatever. Adam – why did you do this?”

Gn 3:12And Adam shouted “WOMAN MADE ME!”, because, apparently, he was a jerk.

Gn 3:13And god said unto Woman, “Sorry I made Adam such a back-stabbing nark, but, is this true?” And Woman said, “Verily, I was tricked by that really cunning animal that can speak without vocal chords.”

Gn 3:14And god turned to the snake and said, “Right, Snake, because you told the truth about the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil and Sewing and Nudity, you will be struck down with the most severe punishments I can muster. Not only will you have to move around in the same way you always have, Gn 3:15but I will make your kids and Woman’s kids dislike each other, and her kids won’t invite your kids to birthday parties, and vice versa, and her kids will step on your kids’ heads, and your kids will bruise her kids’ heels. So I guess your kids will have to wear helmets or something.” And the snake looked confused, and said “Helmets? What are you talking about?” And god said, “Well, her kids are going to be stepping on your kids’ heads, but your kids’ heads are pretty soft, so they’ll need to wear helmets if they want to bruise her kids’ heels.” And the snake said, “That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard”, which means a lot coming from the most cunning animal god had created.

Gn 3:16And unto Woman he said, “I was going to give your womb a zipper to facilitate childbirth, but because you were naughty, you will have to push babies out your vagina instead. You will also find Adam attractive, and he is the boss of you. Don’t look at me like that, you had this coming.”

Gn 3:17And then finally he turned to Adam and said, “Dude. You listened to your wife. What were you thinking? I will now announce some rather random punishments that are just as bad as pushing a baby out your vagina. You will have a frowny face as you eat dinner, Gn 3:18and thistles will grow out of the ground, and you’ll have to eat herbs, Gn 3:19and eating bread will make you sweaty.”

Gn 3:20And Adam thought it was about time he gave Woman a name, so he called her Eve, because she was the mother of all living, except of course Adam and Eve, who were the only ones living.

Gn 3:21And Adam said, “God, these undies are a bit drafty, can you make us some clothes?” And so god called forth the mink, and said unto her, “I need to borrow one of your babies.” And out of the baby mink he made two pretty awesome fur coats, which sounds implausible, but was a lot easier than making a whole person out of a single rib.

Gn 3:22And then god said, “Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil and sewing and nudity.” And Adam said, “Us? What do you mean us?!” But god ignored him, and said “Now, lest he eat from the Tree of Life, and live forever, Gn 3:23I will kick him out so he can go and till the ground in his awesome fur coat, like some kind of ancient agrarian pimp.”

Gn 3:24So he drove the man out of the garden, in a rickshaw probably, and in Eden he placed Cherubims and a flaming sword which turned every way, to protect the Tree of Life. And if you follow my earlier directions to Eden, you will find the Cherubims and the flaming sword, for I’m not making any of this stuff up, I pronise.

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GBAV – Genesis 2

Gn 2:1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

Gn 2:2And on the seventh day God said “I’m spent”; for he was tired from the work which he had made, and he decided to rest from all the work which he had made, for even all-powerful beings sometimes get tired from the work which they make.

Gn 2:3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it, and spent the rest of the day watching angels play cricketNote 1. And then he kicked himself, because he remembered that he could have made everything in one day if he’d wanted to, and he could have used the other five days for a test match, instead of this Twenty20 rubbish. And verily, he wished that he had created the work which he had made by clicking his fingers, instead of making the work which he had made in such a convoluted manner.

Gn 2:4In other news, these are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, Gn 2:5before there were any plants, and before there were any herbs, for the god had not caused it to rain upon the earth and there was not a man to till the ground, and keen students will notice that neither of these things were necessary when god made the plants and herbs in Chapter 1.

Gn 2:6But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground, which took a very long time, mist being what it is.

Gn 2:7And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, or at least he tried to, but he was in a desert and the sand wouldn’t stick together very well, even with a sand bucket, so he went somewhere else to find some nicer soil, and he found some nice soil that didn’t contain any sticks or rocks, and wasn’t too black, because if he made a black person first there would be no one around to oppress him. And he breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and it was very tricky but he managed to breathe in just the right way and in just the right places to give him a brain, and a heart, and veins, and arteries, and capillaries, and immune and central nervous systems. And man became a living soul, but he looked a little like Gumby, because god had left his sand bucket in the desert, and he realised he didn’t want bucket shaped people anyway, and he was still getting the hang of this claymation thing. And he thought, “I really should have just made him by clicking my fingers instead of making him in such a convoluted manner”.

Gn 2:8And the Lord God went to his local nursery, and bought lots of plants and mulch and tanbark and gravel and fertiliser and weed-spray and shears and garden gloves, and he had it delivered eastward in Eden, and he planted a garden; and there he put the man whom he had formed, who now looked a little more like Wallace from Wallace and Grommit, for god’s claymation skills were getting better.

Gn 2:9And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the he made the Tree of Life, and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. And these were very important trees, and god didn’t want them to be eaten, so he made them look only a little bit yummier than all the other fruit trees, and made them so you had to twist the fruit round and round a few times to pull it off, and enclosed them in a knee-high picket fence with a gate that had a tricky latch.

Gn 2:10And a river went out of Eden to water the garden, which was slightly controversial, because you normally water a garden by putting water into it; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. Gn 2:11-12The name of the first is Pison, Gn 2:13and the name of the second is Gihon, the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia, which is difficult for a river to do, given that water flows downhill, Gn 2:14and the fourth river is Euphrates. And that should be enough information for you to locate the garden, should you wish to.

Gn 2:15And the Lord God took the man, and gave him the shears and garden gloves, and placed him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the man put on his sad face, for he really, really hated gardening.

Gn 2:16And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, Gn 2:17but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And I really don’t want that to happen (even though I know it will, for I know everything), so I only made the fruit a little bit yummier than the others, and I made it tricky to pull off, and I surrounded it with a fence that you can easily step over. But I’m not kidding around. You will actually drop dead if you eat that stuff. Seriously. I never exaggerate. Dead”. And Adam thought to himself, “Haha, I can get around that by eating from the Tree of Life first”, and god said, “I heard that”.

Gn 2:18And then god said, “It is not good that you should be alone; I will make him an help meet for you”. And Adam said, “OMG, I would love an help meet!”.

Gn 2:19So god decided to make an help meet for Adam, and out of the ground he formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and please don’t go and re-read Chapter 1, because you might notice that I have changed the order of creation. And god brought all the animals unto Adam to see what he would call them, and Adam said “Really? I have to name them all? That’s gonna take ages”. But then he rejoiced, for he realised that it meant he wouldn’t have to do any gardening for a while. Gn 2:20And so all the animals lined up to see what Adam would call them, and he started off quite enthusiastically and gave different names to each of the 1,200 species of bat, but then he got lazy, such that when the 400,000 beetle species came forward, he simply shouted “YOU’RE ALL BUGS! NEXT!”, and then one of the birds pecked him so he decided to call it “Pecky Pecky Stinky Bum”, but god knew it would never catch on, so he renamed it “chicken” behind Adam’s back, and the polar bear was wishing he had just been named “bear”, because he didn’t want to walk to the North Pole, and after the hyenas were named they went to the back of the queue to try and get named again: but none of the animals were suitable for an help meet. And god said unto Adam, “Sorry, I really should have seen that coming”. And Adam said, “That’s OK. Have you got anything with tits?”.

Gn 2:21And god caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh, Gn 2:22and god used the rib to make a woman, and brought her unto Adam, and said “Adam, check out your help meet!”. And Adam said, “Why is she so small?”. And god said, “I made her from one of your ribs, so there wasn’t much clay to work with”. And Adam said, “She’d be twice as big if you’d used two ribs”. And god said, “Yeah, I know”. And Adam said, “Seriously man, that’s just silly”. And god started wishing he had just made the woman by clicking his fingers, instead of making her in such a convoluted manner.

Gn 2:23And Adam said, “I shall call her Woman, because I am sexist. Woman, fetch me a soda”. Gn 2:24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh, which doesn’t logically follow.

Gn 2:25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, but they were not ashamed, for Adam realised that, technically, he had the biggest dick in the world, and Eve realised she had the smallest bottom.
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Footnotes

  1. I always knew it was the game they play in Heaven. (back)

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