The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

GBAV – Genesis 1

Gn 1:1 Once upon a timeNote 1, a timeless being named god was bored. So he decided to make stuff.

Gn 1:2 And the earth was without form, and void; and there was darkness on the face of the deep, and the spirit of god moved upon the face of the waters, which was odd, because the earth was without form, and void.

Gn 1:3 And god said “Let there be light, but let there be no light source, and let there be nothing for it to reflect off, so no one can see it”. But then god realised that ‘light’ is really just a biological agent’s interpretation of one part of the electromagnetic spectrum, so he decided to say “Let there be electromagnetic radiation” instead. And although it wasn’t as catchy, there was electromagnetic radiation.

Gn 1:4 And god saw the electromagnetic radiation, and thought himself pretty damn awesome. And he divided the visible electromagnetic radiation that no one could see because there was no light source and it wasn’t reflecting off anything from the darkness that was everywhere because there was no light source and the light wasn’t reflecting off anything.

Gn 1:5 And god invented English, and called the visible electromagnetic radiation that no one could see ‘day’, and the darkness he called ‘night’, but he reserved the right to change the meaning of those words tomorrow. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

Gn 1:6 And God said, “Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters”. And everyone said, “That makes so sense whatsoever”.

Gn 1:7 And god made the firmament, and put some of the water above it, and some of the water below it. And it was so, because, like I just said, he had just done it.

Gn 1:8 And god called the firmament ‘Heaven’, even though (a) the firmament was already called ‘the firmament’, and (b) a more pressing concern was naming the bits above and below the firmament, since they were both called ‘waters’, which was confusing. And the evening and morning were the second day. And the word ‘day’ now referred to a period of time, and not the visible part of the electromagnetic spectrum which no one could see.

Gn 1:9 And god said, “Let the waters below heaven be gathered into one place. And when I say one place, I mean many places, because not only would it be inconvenient to have just one body of water, we need at least two so the freshwater and saltwater don’t mix. And let the future readers of this text not realise that I have forgotten to do anything with the waters above heaven. And let there be land, I guess.”

Gn 1:10 And god called the land ‘earth’, and the waters ‘seas’, and he thought himself pretty damn awesome.

Gn 1:11 And god said “Let there be grass, and herbs, and fruit, but not flowers, fungi, lichen or gum trees”. And it was so. Gn 1:12 And lo, there was grass, and herbs, and fruit, but not flowers, fungi, lichen or gum trees, and he thought himself pretty damn awesome. And, once again, god asked for something, and instead of saying “And it was so” and leaving it there, I felt the need to list out all the things that happened for a second time, like a university student trying to pad out the word count on her assignment. But since the opening chapter of a book is critical in catching the reader’s attention, I won’t do it again, I promise. Gn 1:13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

Gn 1:14 And god said “Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven, which was previously just called ‘heaven, and before that ‘the firmament’, to divide the day from the night, even though I divided the day from the night on Day 1; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years, even though when I get around to creating man I intend him to live in a garden in the Middle East and so have no need of oceanic navigation, and seasons are actually caused by the earth’s tilt (which I haven’t mentioned), and you can’t see stars during the day. Gn 1:15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth, and let no one notice that stars are useless as a light source. And it was so.

Gn 1:16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night. And no one pointed out that it was actually only one light. Gn 1:17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth. And yes, if giving light upon the earth was such a pressing concern, he shouldn’t have created the night in the first place, nor given the moon phasesNote 2.

Gn 1:18 But, needless to say, he saw it and thought himself pretty damn awesome. Gn 1:19 And the evening and morning were the fourth day.

Gn 1:20And God said, “Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, which is kind of a tautology, and fowl that may fly above the earth, excepting, of course, emus, and ostriches, and cassowaries, and kiwis, and penguins, and the New Caledonian Giant Megapode.

Gn 1:21And once again God did what he had just said he was going to do, and every living creature and winged fowl came forth from the waters, and God saw that it was good. Until he spotted the platypus, and he spent the rest of the day wondering if it was good, or just weird. Gn 1:22And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and try not to eat each other”. Gn 1:23And the evening and morning were the fifth day.

Gn 1:24And God said, “I didn’t have time yesterday, so today let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind, which is, I admit, a pretty silly taxonomic classification”. Gn 1:25And this is an exact copy of the previous verse, and I have already said I wouldn’t repeat myself again, so I won’t repeat myself again. And god still thought himself pretty damn awesome.

Gn 1:26And God said, “Let us make man in our image, only a bit shorter, and with smaller biceps: and let him be the boss of the fish of the sea, except the ones right at the very bottom; and over the fowl of the air, so beware of cassowariesNote 3; and the cattle, which you would have been the boss over anyway, for they aren’t very bright and love to be kept in fenced-off areas; and every creeping thing that creepeth, except in Australia where every creeping thing that creepeth will almost certainly kill you. And please ignore the dinosaurs, they won’t be here for long.”

Gn 1:27So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him, him he created in god’s image, and on the off chance that you guys still don’t get it, by that I mean that when god was looking for an image with which to create man, he decided to use his own. And he created both males and females, and since they were both in his image, I think means that god is a cross dresser. Which is fine.

Gn 1:28And god blessed them, even though they hadn’t sneezed, and god said unto them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth”. And they looked at him blankly, and he realised he hadn’t taught them how to speak English, so he taught them English in some convoluted manner that was a lot more work than just clicking his fingers. And god saw them speaking English, and saw they spoke good. And then he had to say everything all over again, which was fine, because he’d been doing it all week. So he said unto them, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth”. And the woman said, “What do you mean ‘replenish’, aren’t we the first ones?”. And god said “Verily, I say unto you, nobody likes a smart arse. And thou shalt have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth, which doesn’t include viruses, so there.”

Gn 1:29And god said, “Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat. Which I think means you should all be vegetarians.”

Gn 1:30And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat. Oi, Lions, stop looking at those zebras and eat your damn coriander.”

Gn 1:31And god saw every thing that he had made, and said “Hmm… I think I’ll start again. LOL, just kidding, I am pretty damn awesome”. But then he re-read his creation story, and realised that if he was going to take the trouble to be wrong, he should have at least made it interesting, like the Dreamtime. “But that’s OK,” he thought. “No one’s going to take it seriously“. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

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Footnotes

  1. As the fairytale equivalent of “In the beginning…”, I couldn’t think of a more appropriate opening line. (back)
  2. I’d love to see god try and cycle home drunk with only the new moon to guide him. (back)
  3. Flightless birds explicitly excluded. (back)

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Genesis 2 >>

The Bible – Good Bad Asinine Version

There are many versions of the bible. And they’re all boring. So I’m writing my own.

The first chapter, Genesis 1, can be found here. Enjoy.
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A few quick notes:

  1. Hover your mouse over a bible reference (e.g. Gn 1:1) to view the King James verse that I have improved upon.
  2. Click on a footnote link (e.g. Note 1) to be taken the relevant footnote at the bottom of the post. Click (back) to be taken back to where you were.
  3. I would like to thank god and his followers for writing the bible, and giving me such good material to work with.