The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

Cory Bernardi Wants To Protect Us From Dead Infant Grifters

Cory Bernardi

Last night, ‘hard-of-thinking’ politics attained new depths. The long time frontrunner for the Cognitive Dysfunction in Politics Award,  Cory Bernardi, decided to clear up any misapprehensions the public might have had about tragically drowned toddlers and their refugee status. In a typically eloquent and closely-reasoned ‘speech’, Bernardi set us straight by pointing out that the family of Aylan Kurdi were basically grifters, hell-bent on fraudulently obtaining dental treatment from Canada.

Bernardi stated that the Kurdi family couldn’t possibly be refugees because they had lived in Turkey for three years and were in “no danger” and “in no persecution”. I’m not sure how someone can be “in persecution”, but I think I know what he means. He’s pointing out that a Kurdish family who has fled the wartorn town of Kobani could not possibly be anything but perfectly happy and safe in a country that has absolutely no record of persecuting or oppressing Kurds. Like Turkey. No, wait – sorry… I always get confused on that one. No, Turkey is the one that does persecute Kurds. He must have been thinking of Kurdistan. No… that’s wrong too. Kurdistan isn’t a country. It’s a Turkish shelling target. Help me out here: what’s a country that doesn’t persecute or oppress Kurds? Oh yeah – Canada! And according to Senator Bernardi, they’ve got pretty good dental too.

So, leaving aside the fact that the only place a Kurd is likely to be less safe than Turkey is in a trench 700 meters from ISIS territory, and that the Kurdi family had been so happy and safe in Turkey that they had made three previous attempts to leave and that they had extended family in Canada who were willing to sponsor them – leaving all that aside, Bernardi has hit the nail on the head. They obviously had no reason to try for Canada except fraudulent fluoride thievery and country shopping.

These people are basically con artists, cleverly contriving to be born in future war-zones as members of persecuted ethnic minorities in order to scam first world countries out of dentistry. It’s obvious, when you think about it. I can’t believe how stupid we’ve been all this time. I mean, here we were, thinking that a dead child on a beach might be some kind of tragic symbol for the plight of refugees fleeing from an internal conflict that we encouraged and are now considering escalating, but we couldn’t be more wrong. Apparently, a drowned child is simultaneously an advertisement for “Stop the Boats” and the grim harbinger of a flood of fake refos who are not our problem or responsibility in any way.

Thanks for clearing that up Cory! Where would we be without you? You know what, why don’t we find out? Why don’t we just locate and identify everyone who voted for you and swap you and them on a one for one basis with the people who are living in squalor in refugee camps, tunnels and train stations from Calais to Suruc. Then we’ll see where we are.

I’m willing to bet it’ll be a better, kinder and far less embarrassing place than where we are right now.

Stop the Boats: The World Tour

David Pope Cartoon – The Canberra Times

Australia, my favourite country on the entire planet, has long been an example to the world. The miracle of our meteoric rise to prosperity, our egalitarian ethos, standard of living, progressive and enlightened social policies and our commitment to diversity have long been the envy of countries around the world. And now, so I’m told, we have become a world leader and exemplar on the issues of border protection and immigration control.

It has been pointed out by our esteemed Prime Minister that the recent tragic death of Syrian child Aylan Kurdi is a sad but telling endorsement of our government’s policies designed to ‘stop the boats’. Apparently, if European powers were to emulate our magnificent maritime border control strategies, children like Aylan Kurdi would now be happy, safe and content somewhere else. It’s uncertain where “somewhere else” is, but who really cares? The essence of the policy is that whatever happens to these people, it doesn’t happen anywhere where we can see it.

Sure, some fringe radical publications like The New York Times might take exception to our actions, calling them inhumane, draconian and questionably legal, but there’s no accounting for the odd loony yelling at the world in isolation, is there? I mean, really – it’s not like anyone even reads it, right? It’s not a respectable media outlet. No, when it comes to journalistic respectability, Ray Hadley and Alan Jones beat The New York Times hands down.

Clearly, the best way to save the lives of refugees is to ensure that they are unable to leave the war zones that their homes have become by any means that might be considered illegal. And there’s nothing wrong with that at all, because that clause in the UN Refugee Convention about not penalising people for paperless travel, or for the means they choose to travel by when seeking asylum clearly doesn’t apply to us. I’m not exactly sure why it doesn’t apply, but the architects and administrators of our border protection policies assure me that refoulement, mandatory detention, de-facto punitive deportation and internment and all the other delightfully kind and generous things that we do for asylum seekers are perfectly legal. And I’m happy to take their word for it because nobody likes a queue-jumper. Especially when they’re jumping a queue that doesn’t exist. The cheek of it!

So now it’s time to take our dog and pony show on the road and really show these backward, primitive countries with their foolish ideas about “humanity” and “obeying international law” what can really be achieved when we all get behind the simple and elegant idea that if we can’t see it, it didn’t happen. Tony Abbott, with a breathtaking show of class, logic and appropriateness, has co-opted the death of a toddler in order to better plug our unique brand of humanitarian, life-saving, tow-them-somewhere-else-to-die brand of absolute compliance with our international obligations.

Yes, Australia, this is a proud day for all of us. History will remember this as the time when Australia showed the world exactly how we deal with human suffering, desperate pleas for help and all that other left-wing, bleeding-heart garbage. So let’s rise to our feet, people, and be upstanding for the long, slow clap that our fearless political leaders so richly deserve.