The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

Just a thought…

Love your neighbour as you love yourself.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Turn the other cheek.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Homosexuality is an abomination.

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.

A human life is created by the joining of a material body and an immaterial soul at the moment of conception.

The Devil exists, and is currently taking time out of his busy schedule of never-ending torture to campaign for marriage equality in Australia.

Any pregnancy resulting from rape was intended by god.

An invisible all-powerful being named God created the universe and everything was fine until a snake tricked a woman into eating some magical forbidden fruit which she then gave to her husband but god found out so the man tried to pin the entire blame on her (what a douche!) but God decided to just punish them both (even though he was really to blame because he put a completely unnecessary but apparently very forbidden tree within easy reach of two idiotic nudists with limited reasoning skills) so the woman had to squeeze babies out of her inadequately sized vagina and the man had to grow vegies (which doesn’t really seem fair but being all-powerful God could do what he wanted so he did) and the two of them had to populate the earth but there were only two of them so there was a lot of incest until one day God decided to kill pretty much everyone on the planet but instead of just clicking his fingers to kill everything he decided to do it all dramatically via a massive world-wide flood so he ordered some guy named Noah to build a hunormous boat with very specific but conceptually inadequate dimensions and then gather up all the plant and animal species on the planet and put them on the boat as well as enough fresh food and toilet paper to survive while the earth was flooded (pity the rabbits if they ran out of toilet paper) which admittedly all sounds a little far fetched but the plan apparently worked because the flood came and everything died and life on the boat was pretty good except Noah’s sons nearly smoked all the marijuana but luckily Noah caught them just in time otherwise we wouldn’t have any marijuana today and after the waters all receded Noah ended up living to 900 or something which is why “Are you a builder of large-scale ocean going zoos?” is now a standard question on all insurance underwriting forms and he and his family repopulated the earth so once again there was quite a bit of incest but everything went back to normal for a while until God decided it was time to send his son who was himself down to earth because that was absolutely the only way he could think of to forgive everyone for the whole forbidden fruit tree debacle so he sent an angel to impregnate an engaged Jewish virgin named Mary and Mary’s fiance was like “Mary, WTF?!” and she was all like “Calm your farm, it’s God’s baby” and Joseph was like “Well OK” but secretly he was thinking “I bet it’s that Ishmael fucker next door” but anyway Mary gave birth to God’s son who was himself and he performed a few miracles like turning water into wine (it may have been merlot, but definitely wasn’t shiraz) but he pissed off the Jewish and Roman authorities so they hatched a plan to arrest him which God’s son who was himself wanted them to do anyway except for that one time in the garden where he asked his father who was himself if he could bail but god who was he said no so he went for a nice quite meal and was betrayed by one of his followers and now everyone hates that guy even though it was all part of god’s son who was himself’s plan but I digress so anyway they nailed God’s son who was himself to a big cross and he went to hell for three days for some unknown reason but then he came back to earth and released a zombie hoard before floating up to heaven and now many years later if you’re Catholic he will turn himself into a tasteless biscuit so we can all sit around on Sunday and eat him.

Ten Christian beliefs, which begin as common sense and end in abject, interminable absurdity. The trouble is, the final absurdity is not a Christian belief, but its definition.

Which renders the other beliefs a little irrelevant, don’t you think?

Meet Bill Muehlenberg

Bill writes a blog called “Culture Watch“, which I first came across courtesy of Chrys Stevenson (thanks a bunch, Chrys!). Bill’s own take on his writing is, shall we say, rather generous:

It offers reflective and incisive commentary on a wide range of issues, helping to sort through the maze of competing opinions, worldviews, ideologies and value systems.

After reading through a few of his missives – goodness me, now look who’s being generous – after reading through a few of his hateful, paranoid screeds, it becomes fairly obvious that Bill is the exact opposite of incisive, and his views are as reflective as a black hole. Quite a few of his posts have had me giggling like a farting four-year-old. And I defy anyone to come up with a better analogy for Bill’s blog than that.

One of Bill’s recent posts that had me giggling more than usual was called A Primer on Leftism, which is apparently now a thing. In it he provides a helpful list of items that, if true, may mean that you’re a liberal (synonymous with “leftism”, in case you didn’t know). The list has a US bent, and I’ve removed five of the more stupid ones, but you’ll get the idea:

  1. You want to bring Joseph Kony to justice but aren’t willing to do anything other than click “Like” in Facebook.
  2. You want to end world poverty — by giving away other people’s money.
  3. You support alternative energy, but oppose nuclear power, hydroelectric power, and don’t want windmills spoiling your view.
  4. You think that consenting adults can freely engage in any activity — except freely exchange goods and services without government interference.
  5. You want to outlaw cigarettes, but legalise marijuana.
  6. You think only white people can be racist.
  7. You support the killing of unborn babies, but oppose the killing of criminals convicted of heinous crimes.
  8. You think marriage is obsolete—except for homosexuals.
  9. You uphold a woman’s right to choose — unless she chooses adoption, homeschooling or being a stay-at-home mum.
  10. You oppose discrimination against women — except when they’re married to, or daughters of, working men.
  11. You think it’s fine to mock and insult Christians and Christianity, but Islam is untouchable and Muslims must be respected.
  12. You want to ban guns – except for those carried by your kid’s bodyguards (like Rosie O’Donnell).
  13. You are against school vouchers for public school students, but send your own kids to private school.
  14. You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography should just look the other way.
  15. You think a conservative teaching alternative theories to evolution is dangerous, but a guy in a tutu can teach your kids anytime.
  16. You think the price of gasoline is too high, but you will fight tooth and nail to prevent the development of new oil resources.
  17. You believe cutting taxes on large businesses is wrong, but spending hundreds of billions of dollars on anti-pollution programs that don’t work is mandatory.
  18. Of the billions of tons of carbon dioxide produced on Earth each year, you believe only the ten-thousandth of 1 percent that is produced by humans is affecting the Earth’s climate.
  19. Insults and threats directed at President Bush made you laugh, but you believe any criticism of President Obama is racist.
  20. You value tolerance — except when it comes to opinions you dislike.

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me personally, there’s only one of those things that I can honestly say is absolutely true. I do think that what a teacher is saying is more important than what they’re wearing. But maybe that’s just me.

Anywho, Bill says that making lists like this is fun, so I thought I’d give it a crack myself. Here goes…

You might be a conservative if:

  1. You think that there was only ever one messianic, mass-murdering, desert-dwelling defender of the Ten Commandments who is worthy of your worship, and it isn’t Kony.
  2. You don’t want to end world poverty, because stopping gay people from getting married is more important.
  3. You think the worst thing about climate change is that it will afford fewer opportunities to showcase your extensive cardigan collection.
  4. You confuse a harmless act between two people in the confines of their own home with an economic system of production and exchange.
  5. You think that liberals want to outlaw cigarettes.
  6. White Men Can’t Jump offends you more than Mississippi Burning.
  7. You think that at the very instant an embryo is formed, it should be afforded more rights than the adult woman in whom it resides. You also think that when your god said “judge not” and “thou shalt not kill”, he wasn’t referring to the intellectually-disabled or non-white men on death row who are probably innocent anyway.
  8. You can’t see the distinction between wanting a right for others, and choosing not to exercise it yourself.
  9. You think that the last thing a woman gets to choose is her wedding dress.
  10. You don’t even pretend to oppose discrimination against women.
  11. You’ve forgotten what used to happen when people mocked Christianity.
  12. You think the writers of the Second Amendment were referring to 100-round automatic assault rifles, not single shot muskets that took 6 minutes to reload.
  13. You don’t think the government should spend money on anything. Except tanks. TANKS ARE COOL.
  14. You apparently know of a town where the local government actively promotes pornography. You also probably want to move there.
  15. You think there are alternative theories to evolution.
  16. You repeat yourself.
  17. You think that if something is difficult to understand, it can’t be true.
  18. You are too stupid to realise that nature also removes billions of tons of carbon dioxide, but humans don’t remove any.
  19. You haven’t yet realised that President Dubya Bush was an eight-year practical joke perpetrated by The Onion.
  20. You think that you are being oppressed every time one of your rights to discriminate is taken away.

You’re right Bill, making lists is fun! Speaking of Bill, and lists, here’s one final list – a list to help you decide if you’re Bill:

  1. You think irony is just an adjective for haemoglobin.

Let’s all hope that, unlike conservatives, there aren’t too many of those around.

Same old, same old

Behold, the words of Mr S. Smith, Member for Flint, as he addresses the British House of Commons:

I cannot comprehend the mental attitude of those who say we should only look at the first step we take, and shut our eyes to its inevitable consequences; as well might a man drive a coach down a steep incline with a precipice at the bottom, and say that he had no business to consider the precipice.

‘The husband is the head of the wife, as Christ is the Head of the Church’ is the uniform language of Scripture, repeated in one form or another hundreds of times. Could a greater calamity befall the human race than to undermine this sacred institution? I [don’t] much doubt that … should X be successful, a time of social chaos would ensue.

Out of this movement for X may develop at a later date another movement to replace the marriage law of Christianity … and I much fear that experiments may be tried which will not tend to the welfare of mankind … It may be granted that the great majority of those who are moving in this matter have not at present the slightest wish for such changes, but my argument is that they are feeding a movement which contains them in its bosom, and out of which they will ultimately grow.

I wish to lay before the right hon. Gentleman the circumstance that universal history is opposed to X; no free country in the world has ever tried the experiment … They take a tremendous responsibility who deride the universal experience of mankind.

[If X was allowed], everything would be thrown afresh into the melting pot, and no human being could predict what would emerge from the cauldron. But my main objection to this and all similar Bills is my dread of its effects on the home life of the nation. I hope the House will weigh well the pregnant words of the right hon. Member for Midlothian — ‘I am not without the fear lest, beginning with the State, we should eventually be found to have intruded into what is yet more fundamental and more sacred, the precinct of the family, and should dislocate or injuriously modify the relations of domestic life.’ I believe those words are perfectly true, and they weigh more with me than all other objections combined.

I ask the House to pause before taking this terrible leap in the dark. It is the most revolutionary proposal of our time. If it prove a mistake it will be irretrievable; once given it cannot be reversed. In my judgment, it will be the commencement of national decline. In any case, it is a desperate experiment. We have too much at stake to make rash experiments. We are trustees for the greatest Empire the world ever saw, and we cannot afford to sap its foundations by reckless innovations.

Can you guess what ‘X’ is? Sounds like he was talking about marriage equality, doesn’t it?

He wasn’t.

He was speaking in 1892, about giving women the vote.