The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

Just a thought…

Love your neighbour as you love yourself.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Turn the other cheek.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

Homosexuality is an abomination.

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away.

A human life is created by the joining of a material body and an immaterial soul at the moment of conception.

The Devil exists, and is currently taking time out of his busy schedule of never-ending torture to campaign for marriage equality in Australia.

Any pregnancy resulting from rape was intended by god.

An invisible all-powerful being named God created the universe and everything was fine until a snake tricked a woman into eating some magical forbidden fruit which she then gave to her husband but god found out so the man tried to pin the entire blame on her (what a douche!) but God decided to just punish them both (even though he was really to blame because he put a completely unnecessary but apparently very forbidden tree within easy reach of two idiotic nudists with limited reasoning skills) so the woman had to squeeze babies out of her inadequately sized vagina and the man had to grow vegies (which doesn’t really seem fair but being all-powerful God could do what he wanted so he did) and the two of them had to populate the earth but there were only two of them so there was a lot of incest until one day God decided to kill pretty much everyone on the planet but instead of just clicking his fingers to kill everything he decided to do it all dramatically via a massive world-wide flood so he ordered some guy named Noah to build a hunormous boat with very specific but conceptually inadequate dimensions and then gather up all the plant and animal species on the planet and put them on the boat as well as enough fresh food and toilet paper to survive while the earth was flooded (pity the rabbits if they ran out of toilet paper) which admittedly all sounds a little far fetched but the plan apparently worked because the flood came and everything died and life on the boat was pretty good except Noah’s sons nearly smoked all the marijuana but luckily Noah caught them just in time otherwise we wouldn’t have any marijuana today and after the waters all receded Noah ended up living to 900 or something which is why “Are you a builder of large-scale ocean going zoos?” is now a standard question on all insurance underwriting forms and he and his family repopulated the earth so once again there was quite a bit of incest but everything went back to normal for a while until God decided it was time to send his son who was himself down to earth because that was absolutely the only way he could think of to forgive everyone for the whole forbidden fruit tree debacle so he sent an angel to impregnate an engaged Jewish virgin named Mary and Mary’s fiance was like “Mary, WTF?!” and she was all like “Calm your farm, it’s God’s baby” and Joseph was like “Well OK” but secretly he was thinking “I bet it’s that Ishmael fucker next door” but anyway Mary gave birth to God’s son who was himself and he performed a few miracles like turning water into wine (it may have been merlot, but definitely wasn’t shiraz) but he pissed off the Jewish and Roman authorities so they hatched a plan to arrest him which God’s son who was himself wanted them to do anyway except for that one time in the garden where he asked his father who was himself if he could bail but god who was he said no so he went for a nice quite meal and was betrayed by one of his followers and now everyone hates that guy even though it was all part of god’s son who was himself’s plan but I digress so anyway they nailed God’s son who was himself to a big cross and he went to hell for three days for some unknown reason but then he came back to earth and released a zombie hoard before floating up to heaven and now many years later if you’re Catholic he will turn himself into a tasteless biscuit so we can all sit around on Sunday and eat him.

Ten Christian beliefs, which begin as common sense and end in abject, interminable absurdity. The trouble is, the final absurdity is not a Christian belief, but its definition.

Which renders the other beliefs a little irrelevant, don’t you think?

Category: Asinine, Christianity


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