The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

Meet Bill Muehlenberg

Bill writes a blog called “Culture Watch“, which I first came across courtesy of Chrys Stevenson (thanks a bunch, Chrys!). Bill’s own take on his writing is, shall we say, rather generous:

It offers reflective and incisive commentary on a wide range of issues, helping to sort through the maze of competing opinions, worldviews, ideologies and value systems.

After reading through a few of his missives – goodness me, now look who’s being generous – after reading through a few of his hateful, paranoid screeds, it becomes fairly obvious that Bill is the exact opposite of incisive, and his views are as reflective as a black hole. Quite a few of his posts have had me giggling like a farting four-year-old. And I defy anyone to come up with a better analogy for Bill’s blog than that.

One of Bill’s recent posts that had me giggling more than usual was called A Primer on Leftism, which is apparently now a thing. In it he provides a helpful list of items that, if true, may mean that you’re a liberal (synonymous with “leftism”, in case you didn’t know). The list has a US bent, and I’ve removed five of the more stupid ones, but you’ll get the idea:

  1. You want to bring Joseph Kony to justice but aren’t willing to do anything other than click “Like” in Facebook.
  2. You want to end world poverty — by giving away other people’s money.
  3. You support alternative energy, but oppose nuclear power, hydroelectric power, and don’t want windmills spoiling your view.
  4. You think that consenting adults can freely engage in any activity — except freely exchange goods and services without government interference.
  5. You want to outlaw cigarettes, but legalise marijuana.
  6. You think only white people can be racist.
  7. You support the killing of unborn babies, but oppose the killing of criminals convicted of heinous crimes.
  8. You think marriage is obsolete—except for homosexuals.
  9. You uphold a woman’s right to choose — unless she chooses adoption, homeschooling or being a stay-at-home mum.
  10. You oppose discrimination against women — except when they’re married to, or daughters of, working men.
  11. You think it’s fine to mock and insult Christians and Christianity, but Islam is untouchable and Muslims must be respected.
  12. You want to ban guns – except for those carried by your kid’s bodyguards (like Rosie O’Donnell).
  13. You are against school vouchers for public school students, but send your own kids to private school.
  14. You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography should just look the other way.
  15. You think a conservative teaching alternative theories to evolution is dangerous, but a guy in a tutu can teach your kids anytime.
  16. You think the price of gasoline is too high, but you will fight tooth and nail to prevent the development of new oil resources.
  17. You believe cutting taxes on large businesses is wrong, but spending hundreds of billions of dollars on anti-pollution programs that don’t work is mandatory.
  18. Of the billions of tons of carbon dioxide produced on Earth each year, you believe only the ten-thousandth of 1 percent that is produced by humans is affecting the Earth’s climate.
  19. Insults and threats directed at President Bush made you laugh, but you believe any criticism of President Obama is racist.
  20. You value tolerance — except when it comes to opinions you dislike.

Now, I don’t know about you, but for me personally, there’s only one of those things that I can honestly say is absolutely true. I do think that what a teacher is saying is more important than what they’re wearing. But maybe that’s just me.

Anywho, Bill says that making lists like this is fun, so I thought I’d give it a crack myself. Here goes…

You might be a conservative if:

  1. You think that there was only ever one messianic, mass-murdering, desert-dwelling defender of the Ten Commandments who is worthy of your worship, and it isn’t Kony.
  2. You don’t want to end world poverty, because stopping gay people from getting married is more important.
  3. You think the worst thing about climate change is that it will afford fewer opportunities to showcase your extensive cardigan collection.
  4. You confuse a harmless act between two people in the confines of their own home with an economic system of production and exchange.
  5. You think that liberals want to outlaw cigarettes.
  6. White Men Can’t Jump offends you more than Mississippi Burning.
  7. You think that at the very instant an embryo is formed, it should be afforded more rights than the adult woman in whom it resides. You also think that when your god said “judge not” and “thou shalt not kill”, he wasn’t referring to the intellectually-disabled or non-white men on death row who are probably innocent anyway.
  8. You can’t see the distinction between wanting a right for others, and choosing not to exercise it yourself.
  9. You think that the last thing a woman gets to choose is her wedding dress.
  10. You don’t even pretend to oppose discrimination against women.
  11. You’ve forgotten what used to happen when people mocked Christianity.
  12. You think the writers of the Second Amendment were referring to 100-round automatic assault rifles, not single shot muskets that took 6 minutes to reload.
  13. You don’t think the government should spend money on anything. Except tanks. TANKS ARE COOL.
  14. You apparently know of a town where the local government actively promotes pornography. You also probably want to move there.
  15. You think there are alternative theories to evolution.
  16. You repeat yourself.
  17. You think that if something is difficult to understand, it can’t be true.
  18. You are too stupid to realise that nature also removes billions of tons of carbon dioxide, but humans don’t remove any.
  19. You haven’t yet realised that President Dubya Bush was an eight-year practical joke perpetrated by The Onion.
  20. You think that you are being oppressed every time one of your rights to discriminate is taken away.

You’re right Bill, making lists is fun! Speaking of Bill, and lists, here’s one final list – a list to help you decide if you’re Bill:

  1. You think irony is just an adjective for haemoglobin.

Let’s all hope that, unlike conservatives, there aren’t too many of those around.

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