The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

GBAV – Genesis 2

Gn 2:1Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

Gn 2:2And on the seventh day God said “I’m spent”; for he was tired from the work which he had made, and he decided to rest from all the work which he had made, for even all-powerful beings sometimes get tired from the work which they make.

Gn 2:3And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it, and spent the rest of the day watching angels play cricketNote 1. And then he kicked himself, because he remembered that he could have made everything in one day if he’d wanted to, and he could have used the other five days for a test match, instead of this Twenty20 rubbish. And verily, he wished that he had created the work which he had made by clicking his fingers, instead of making the work which he had made in such a convoluted manner.

Gn 2:4In other news, these are the generations of the heavens and of the earth when they were created, Gn 2:5before there were any plants, and before there were any herbs, for the god had not caused it to rain upon the earth and there was not a man to till the ground, and keen students will notice that neither of these things were necessary when god made the plants and herbs in Chapter 1.

Gn 2:6But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground, which took a very long time, mist being what it is.

Gn 2:7And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, or at least he tried to, but he was in a desert and the sand wouldn’t stick together very well, even with a sand bucket, so he went somewhere else to find some nicer soil, and he found some nice soil that didn’t contain any sticks or rocks, and wasn’t too black, because if he made a black person first there would be no one around to oppress him. And he breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and it was very tricky but he managed to breathe in just the right way and in just the right places to give him a brain, and a heart, and veins, and arteries, and capillaries, and immune and central nervous systems. And man became a living soul, but he looked a little like Gumby, because god had left his sand bucket in the desert, and he realised he didn’t want bucket shaped people anyway, and he was still getting the hang of this claymation thing. And he thought, “I really should have just made him by clicking my fingers instead of making him in such a convoluted manner”.

Gn 2:8And the Lord God went to his local nursery, and bought lots of plants and mulch and tanbark and gravel and fertiliser and weed-spray and shears and garden gloves, and he had it delivered eastward in Eden, and he planted a garden; and there he put the man whom he had formed, who now looked a little more like Wallace from Wallace and Grommit, for god’s claymation skills were getting better.

Gn 2:9And out of the ground made the Lord God to grow every tree that is pleasant to the sight, and good for food; the he made the Tree of Life, and the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. And these were very important trees, and god didn’t want them to be eaten, so he made them look only a little bit yummier than all the other fruit trees, and made them so you had to twist the fruit round and round a few times to pull it off, and enclosed them in a knee-high picket fence with a gate that had a tricky latch.

Gn 2:10And a river went out of Eden to water the garden, which was slightly controversial, because you normally water a garden by putting water into it; and from thence it was parted, and became into four heads. Gn 2:11-12The name of the first is Pison, Gn 2:13and the name of the second is Gihon, the same is it that compasseth the whole land of Ethiopia, which is difficult for a river to do, given that water flows downhill, Gn 2:14and the fourth river is Euphrates. And that should be enough information for you to locate the garden, should you wish to.

Gn 2:15And the Lord God took the man, and gave him the shears and garden gloves, and placed him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it. And the man put on his sad face, for he really, really hated gardening.

Gn 2:16And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “Of every tree of the garden thou mayest freely eat, Gn 2:17but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die. And I really don’t want that to happen (even though I know it will, for I know everything), so I only made the fruit a little bit yummier than the others, and I made it tricky to pull off, and I surrounded it with a fence that you can easily step over. But I’m not kidding around. You will actually drop dead if you eat that stuff. Seriously. I never exaggerate. Dead”. And Adam thought to himself, “Haha, I can get around that by eating from the Tree of Life first”, and god said, “I heard that”.

Gn 2:18And then god said, “It is not good that you should be alone; I will make him an help meet for you”. And Adam said, “OMG, I would love an help meet!”.

Gn 2:19So god decided to make an help meet for Adam, and out of the ground he formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air, and please don’t go and re-read Chapter 1, because you might notice that I have changed the order of creation. And god brought all the animals unto Adam to see what he would call them, and Adam said “Really? I have to name them all? That’s gonna take ages”. But then he rejoiced, for he realised that it meant he wouldn’t have to do any gardening for a while. Gn 2:20And so all the animals lined up to see what Adam would call them, and he started off quite enthusiastically and gave different names to each of the 1,200 species of bat, but then he got lazy, such that when the 400,000 beetle species came forward, he simply shouted “YOU’RE ALL BUGS! NEXT!”, and then one of the birds pecked him so he decided to call it “Pecky Pecky Stinky Bum”, but god knew it would never catch on, so he renamed it “chicken” behind Adam’s back, and the polar bear was wishing he had just been named “bear”, because he didn’t want to walk to the North Pole, and after the hyenas were named they went to the back of the queue to try and get named again: but none of the animals were suitable for an help meet. And god said unto Adam, “Sorry, I really should have seen that coming”. And Adam said, “That’s OK. Have you got anything with tits?”.

Gn 2:21And god caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh, Gn 2:22and god used the rib to make a woman, and brought her unto Adam, and said “Adam, check out your help meet!”. And Adam said, “Why is she so small?”. And god said, “I made her from one of your ribs, so there wasn’t much clay to work with”. And Adam said, “She’d be twice as big if you’d used two ribs”. And god said, “Yeah, I know”. And Adam said, “Seriously man, that’s just silly”. And god started wishing he had just made the woman by clicking his fingers, instead of making her in such a convoluted manner.

Gn 2:23And Adam said, “I shall call her Woman, because I am sexist. Woman, fetch me a soda”. Gn 2:24Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh, which doesn’t logically follow.

Gn 2:25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, but they were not ashamed, for Adam realised that, technically, he had the biggest dick in the world, and Eve realised she had the smallest bottom.

  1. I always knew it was the game they play in Heaven. (back)


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Category: GBAV, Genesis


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