The Good. The Bad. The Asinine.

The Feminist Jihadi Hash Cookie Monster Of Socialism

I’m constantly being told that the right wing of politics is now ‘resurgent’, ’emboldened’, ‘victorious’, and so on. I’m willing to accept this despite the fact that anybody who lives in any English speaking western democracy has had a strong right wing trampling on the faces of the poor for hundreds of years. I get that our collective political memory only stretches back about eight minutes, and that the fantasy of ‘political correctness’ has been quite traumatic for the ‘silent majority’ who have been unable to navigate its imaginary strictures or define either it, its nonexistent effects, or even who they actually are. Given this long dark tea time of the soul which this imaginary group has suffered under this imaginary yoke, I understand that the election of various right wing populists around the world represents a sort of triumph, and it is with a sort of amused benevolence that I have observed the happiness of people the world over, loudly declaiming that a new world is coming, and also that they are incapable of coherent thought and the application of standard English spelling and grammar.

One thing I have noticed, however, is just how unfocussed this triumphalism actually is. This rising tide of populism is notable not just for its ubiquity, but for its lack of coherence. Logical coherence, that is. Unlike many other commentators from the dreaded Liberal Elite, I’m well known for actually taking the trouble to translate right wing declarations into English and then trying to understand what they mean. One of the things which has emerged most starkly from this process is the fact that the silent majority, having apparently been suffering in the wilderness for so long, are now unprepared for the light of day. This is most apparent in their lack of a single, coherent target for their ungrammatical vituperation.

This is bad. How can this silent majority (who, in actual fact, I am rather sick of hearing from at high volume) really get around to rolling us back into the 1950’s if they simply scattergun their poison around in such an undirected manner? It seems everyone’s getting a serve. The educated, the expert, the homosexual, indeterminate, ethnic – the list goes on. Given that the essential element of any mindless, ungenerous lurch towards the politics of division is a scapegoat, I worry that the populist right and their legions have failed, thus far, to really focus their bile on any single group or entity. But I think I can help.

I give you, ladies and gentlemen, the Feminist Jihadi Hash Cookie Monster of Socialism. This nightmarish creature stalks the hinterlands of political dialogue, insisting on equal rights for those unfortunates born without benefit of penis, loudly proclaiming the innocent virtue of militant Islam and Sharia law, and encouraging the reckless spending of public monies with wild abandon. As an enemy of the state, this dread monster outstrips even the Goat Marrying Slippery Slope Beast of Rainbow Flagness. I urge all my friends in the silent majority to become cognisant of this mythical beast and, in future, to direct their prurient spite in this single direction. This, more than anything else, will help them to make the imaginary changes to the imaginary world in which they live, for which they have so vehemently lobbied. If future ‘two minutes hate’ sessions on the internet can be focussed on the Feminist Jihadi Hash Cookie Monster of Socialism, I guarantee that the rust belt will become unrusty, the urban working poor (of which I am one) will all get a chicken each, and the new dawn of the better tomorrow will shine out in a pure, dazzling blaze of white, heterosexual, ‘plain-speaking’ light.

Because in no way, shape or form have ‘we the people’ been sold any kind of con. No, no – not at all.

Category: Politics


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